"All is well."

This summer I had the opportunity to watch many beautiful sunsets. One of my favorite things about sunsets is the amazing range of colors of the clouds. They look one particular way before the sun touches the horizon, another way while the sun seems to be dipping below the horizon, and then yet another way a few minutes after the sun has disappeared. In each of these stages, the colors of the clouds change, the intensity of the light varies, and it's like watching a completely different scene from one minute to the next. But we all know that it's the same scene; the same sun, the same clouds, the same location. Recently, I've been thinking about these 3 cloud pictures as an analogy for when someone passes away. The clouds don't change, but what changes is our perspective, our view, of the clouds. Their essence, their being, their identity as a creation of God, doesn't change. They may just look or seem a little different when we look at them with our human concepts of time or space.

 

Last week I found out that one of my dear friends had recently passed away. It was a total shock to me. I found that part of me, about 99% of me, didn't believe it was real. That night after I found out the news, I remember I woke up about a million times, each time thinking, "Did that really happen?" And each time, it hit me again: yes, it's still true. I was in freefall; I felt like someone had pushed me out of an airplane without checking to make sure I had a parachute.

And then, when I thought I was going to smash into the ground, things started to slow down a bit. I felt like I was surrounded by love, both the love that she feels for me, and the love that I feel for her. I experienced a couple of moments where I felt her presence so much; whether it was something someone said that she always used to say, or it was something that happened that I had connected to my friendship with her... And then I realized that there were many other things that I could point to, other instances from the past two months that she'd been gone, that made me think of her. I hadn't known she'd passed away right away, but when I looked back on that time period, it was easy to see several other instances where I felt that she was there. For one, I couldn't stop thinking about her this Fall, and I didn't know why she was on my mind so much. One of the most interesting things was that right around the time she passed away, I took a picture of the sun and clouds, and the sun came through in a heart shape.

 

In the past week, I've found myself going through old emails, texts, phone conversations... and discovered that the last thing this person said to me was, "Don't worry. All is well." At first, I became angry when I realized this was her last message to me. I wanted to say to her, "What do you mean, 'All is well'? It obviously wasn't." And then, in the midst of my anger, a friend gently pointed out, "I think that is exactly what she would like to say to you right now." As I thought about this, I started to wonder if she was right, that maybe all was well.

She, like all of us, is a spiritual being, made by God who is all spiritual. Just because I can't see her anymore doesn't mean she is not here or that she is somehow "gone." In some ways, she is more present than ever before. When we weren't able to communicate much or see each other, it was because of material restrictions. Time, physical distance, money, challenges, obligations... And now there are no restrictions on her presence or on my experiencing her right here, right with me.

The night before I found out she had passed, I was feeling agitated and nervous. I could not get to sleep. I was thinking about her because I had planned to call her the next morning, and as I was tossing and turning I remembered a phone conversation we'd had, about a year and a half before. At that time, I was also feeling agitated, and I called to talk with her. After a few seconds, she calmly said, "Let's take a deep breath. Let's breathe in, hold it, exhale... Okay, now let's do it again." She was thousands of miles away, but somehow, thanks to cell phones, she was helping me to breathe normally. I was grateful then, and was also incredibly grateful that that recollection came to me at that moment. Her love, the expression of God's love, was right there.

I thought I had lost her friendship in my life. I hadn't heard from her, we had lost our connection, and I was feeling pretty bad about it. Had I done something wrong? Did she not love me anymore? But in the past week I am realizing that she never left. It may have appeared that way, but again, that was just the material picture, constrained to the material ways of communicating. She was always there, whether I received an email or a call from her or not. She always said to me, "I don't want you ever thinking I'm ignoring you... if I don't answer, it's because I'm on the road, or I don't have service." And when we seemed to have lost our connection, I think that was a time when she didn't have "service," so to speak. It just wasn't possible to be in contact then, but she was always there. And after such a long separation, I finally feel like we are reconnecting... I am thinking about her, recalling all the funny, happy memories, and even talking with her sometimes. It's like she never left; she is right with me.

Over the summer, as I was watching one particular sunset, I had an interesting realization. After the sun disappeared behind the horizon, I had expected the sky to become darker, maybe more gloomy; after all, the sun was no longer visible. But somehow, the opposite effect occured; the clouds lit up, even intensified, and displayed the most amazing pink and orange color. It was beautiful.

 

 

"I am right here for you anytime," she once told me. And I know that's true. Even after her passing, she loves just as intensely as when she was here on Earth. It's like she is letting me know, adamantly, that she was not ignoring me, much like how adamant she was about things when she was here on Earth.

Now, it's so obvious to me that the love that existed in our friendship is there just as strong as ever. And each time I feel a bit of sadness or loss, I just remind myself that love is never lost, no person is ever lost, and all is well.