The God Bank - When God doesn't seem to return your calls

Lately I've been feeling like God hasn't been returning my calls. I need help, I reach out to Him, and it seems I am just getting His answering machine again and again. I don't understand what's going on. (Maybe He texts these days and doesn't take personal calls?? Maybe He uses Skype?) It's frustrating, and sometimes I feel like He has abandoned me. I feel like David when he says, "How long, O Lord? Will you forget me for ever? How long will you hide your face from me?" (Ps. 13:1). Where is He sometimes??!

It's not like I need Him to answer "Yes" to every question I ask Him. I don't want to be a spoiled kid who gets everything I ask for; mainly because God is smarter than I am and I trust His judgment and His course of action. I know that everything is in His control and that He has knowledge about things that I don't, and couldn't, have. That's okay. The problem I'm having is when He doesn't seem to answer at all. I ask Him questions, and He just doesn't answer, not in the affirmative or in the negative. It's hard to feel like He just doesn't have time to give me an answer. It's hard to feel like he He created me, put me in the world, country, city, family, job, house, situation that I am in, and then just left me to figure things out on my own. If He is indeed my Father, that would make me His daughter, and sometimes children have questions that they need their parents to answer! I feel like saying sometimes, "Don't just leave me hanging here! I know You know the answer! I know You could put my mind at ease in half a second!"

But I obviously don't know all the answers, and thus, I don't know why it sometimes seems like He's distant. He's probably not; I'm guessing it's just my perception or just the fact that I am distancing myself from Him, not the other way around. I just don't know.

During these times of frustration or seeming distance from God, I find it helpful to remember the instances in my life where God felt really present... Times where I could feel Him next to me, in the same room, closer than my breath. And I've saved these moments in a special file in my brain, to recall when I need them the most. This file is my "God Bank." I save up these God-filled moments for a rainy day, for when I really need that extra encouragement, that extra sense of His presence. When I feel lost or sad or hopeless and can't seem to get an answer from God, I go to the God Bank and make a withdrawal. Sometimes I even take out more than I actually have in the bank; but the good thing about the God Bank is that there are no overdraft fees. I am not going to get penalized for taking out a little extra faith or hope that I need to get through the day. Sometimes, on the particularly frustrating days, I feel like my relationship with God can be summed up with the following statement: "Fake it 'til you make it." Sometimes I just don't have the faith that I think I should have, or that I know I would have if things were just a little bit easier. But again, knowing that I don't know everything, I put the trust that I do have in God on the table, and fake the rest of it until it's there in earnest.

I can't count the number of times I've been given a great sum of God money that I then go and deposit at the God Bank. There have been so many days in my life, decades' worth of days, where I have been a millionaire - - heck, a billionaire, a gazillionaire - - with God currency. These were the days when I really felt God was there, protecting me, loving me, hanging out with me like a friend. These have been the great "paydays" of my life.

I have been so blessed... I think about the day my little sister was born. My family. The day I met my Persian friends. The day I started working at Hopelink and the shower of blessings that that connection brought to my life, in terms of people and friendships and experiences. Vinnie. My wonderful, amazing, funny, adorable, life-changing friends. The days when I feel really low, and suddenly get 3 unexpected phone calls from friends, a card in the mail, and a package on my doorstep. THIS IS NOT JUST A COINCIDENCE. This is God. This is God's presence and love and protection in my life. The teachers in my life that have been my mentors, my support system, my friends. My church, and the churches that I visit from time to time. The people in those churches. Nature. Animals. Clouds. Sunsets and sunrises. Ice cream. A friend's laughter. The days I suddenly feel a sense of comfort and peace that can only be explained by God's presence. These are the big paydays, and I am so grateful to be able to tuck these experiences away and be able to access them whenever I want to.

No accidents

Four years ago, I had an amazing experience. It was the only time in my life where I'd ever thought, for an instant, that I was going to die right then. And the intense joy that I felt when I realized I was still alive was pretty magical.

I was driving to Canada to spend a 4-day weekend with my friend for her birthday. I took a couple of days off of work because, in a sense, this birthday seemed important. Her mom had just passed away a few months earlier; this was the first birthday she would be celebrating without her mom there. Thus, we weren't really going to "celebrate," but rather just have some quality time together.

Even though it was August, we were experiencing a downpour. As much as I think Seattle drivers should be used to the rain, it was still backing up traffic and causing some pretty precarious situations on the road.

As I was driving, I suddenly saw brake lights in front of me, a lot closer than was comfortable with. I quickly slammed on my brakes and was quite relieved when I stopped a foot or two behind the car in front of me. Out of habit, I checked my review mirror, only to see a silver Ford F-350 careening towards me, showing no sign of slowing down. My hands grasped the wheel and I braced myself for the impact.

The next thing I heard was a horrible scrunching sound as the truck crashed into the trunk of my car, and I felt myself lurching forward, still in my seat but suddenly out of control. My car, a much smaller Toyota Camry, jolted forward at such an alarming speed that all I could think of was, "This is it. I think I am going to die." 

What happened next was amazing. I still can't explain it, except that it makes me think that God was totally present and guiding my car. All I remember was that I hung on to the steering wheel as my body thrashed around inside the thrown car from the impact. When my car finally stopped moving, I was 3 lanes over, slammed up against the cement barrier of I-5, facing the opposite direction than I had been 10 seconds earlier. I was thankfully over on the shoulder of the freeway, out of on-coming traffic and out of harm's way.

As soon as my car shuddered to a stop, I jumped out. I was a little disoriented, but at that second, I was so, soooo incredibly happy. I was alive! I have no idea what happened, or how my car didn't hit another car as it somehow wove its way through 3 additional lanes of rush-hour traffic, but somehow it didn't and somehow I was alive. A sense of pure joy washed over me as I walked a few steps, paying special attention to the amazing, “being”, living existence of my legs and the feel of the pavement below my feet. My back seemed a bit twisted and out of whack, and there was some tension in my neck, but all in all I felt great. I was on "this side" of life and death.

I stopped my jumping around and looked at the F-350 that had gone through several more vehicles, hitting the car that had been in front of mine, and starting a chain reaction that didn't stop until 4 more cars had been damaged. I looked at all the other cars that were surrounding the mess; all stopped, all just seemingly waiting. I imagined the cars in the other lanes were stopped not because their drivers slammed on the brakes, but out of sympathy for a fellow car. My battered Camry sat dejectedly, beaten, on the side of the highway. I quickly walked to the back of my car and inspected the damage.

And only then did I remember the scrapbook. The beautiful piece of art, the detailed pages, the family pictures that were included... the surprise scrapbook that Ati had started to make for her daughter before she passed away. Before Ati passed, she asked me if I could help her with some of the pages; get some notes from her daughter's friends, collect pictures that could be included, etc. I had tried to do so and had made some progress, and the pages that I had finished, along with all of Ati's pages, were in a big container in my trunk. And when I walked back to the trunk, I saw that these things, these pieces of art from both Ati and the things I had put together, had been destroyed. My trunk had been completely smashed in. Actually, I didn't have a "trunk" to speak of anymore; the end of my car was now the backseat. The trunk had just disappeared. The scrapbook pages were now covered in Seattle rain, and in the pomegranate wine that I was bringing up to Canada. The bottle had been smashed into 1,000 pieces by the impact. My heart dropped.

But then, for a moment, I thought of Ati and how her scrapbook pages were in between the truck and myself. Obviously not a physical barrier, but more of a symbolic one. The scrapbook had been made with love, and I felt so much love in that moment. For Ati, from Ati, for my friend... And I really felt that Ati was with me right then. I was so grateful to be alive, and so grateful for God, and it was again an amazing, wonderful moment.

A few minutes later I called another friend, and when she heard what had happened, she said, with such conviction but also with such tenderness, "You are in God's pocket. You are right there, safe and protected." She quoted some scripture to me, and I felt such a sense of peace and security. We talked for a bit more, and I just kept feeling so grateful that I was alive and well. And I was so grateful for this friend, not only for her love that was embracing me over the phone, but also because she was able to give me a spiritual perspective on what had just happened. I felt so incredibly blessed, and so grateful that NO ONE, not me or the driver of the truck or the occupants of the other cars or anybody in the other lanes of I-5, had been seriously injured. We had all been protected, safe and secure.

When I finally arrived to Vancouver, B.C., that night (my friend and her father came to pick me up), I was again surrounded by such a feeling of love, from my friend and her father and from God. And later, when I sheepishly gave my friend her birthday card that had been splattered with wine and rain, she looked at it and smiled the biggest smile I'd ever seen.

“I love this card,” she said as she took it from me. She hadn’t even opened it yet, but her smile remained. “This card is from you, and every time I look at it, I will be reminded that you are okay. I will keep it forever.”

I slept really well that night, thinking of God's protection, feeling the love from my family and friends, and knowing that this day had been such a gift in so many ways.

My conversation with God

I've been thinking about God a lot lately... We are at a bit of a rough patch in our relationship, and that's okay. Sometimes relationships go through rough patches. But while thinking about God and about His role in my life, I was reminded of an amazing experience I had in January of this year. I felt God's presence in my life in a way that I'd never felt Him before; it was like He was physically... THERE. So present. And recalling this experience, I felt so much love and gratitude for Him. It is an important recollection for me to have, as it shows me that He is there no matter how I feel sometimes.

In late January, I was driving up to Vancouver, B.C., to visit my Persian buddies. I had just sent a weird email to a couple of friends about some things I was going through, and was not too happy about my decision to send it. On top of that, I was feeling bad about some other things, and was berating myself over all these real and perceived mistakes I had made. Vinnie was in the backseat and, being a typical dog and being sensitive to my feelings, could tell that I was really upset. He kept pacing back and forth, whining in my ear, trying to give me a kiss to comfort me, and he just couldn't seem to get settled. What was interesting was that his inability to settle down was what I had been feeling since I returned from my trip to Ethiopia. I kept stumbling, kept trying to get my footing, and just couldn't seem to do so.

Then suddenly, amidst all the negative self-talk, I said, "Stop. You are amazing." But here's the wonderful/surreal/fascinating part: I felt it was God speaking. It came from my mouth but the words were not from me. I had been so distraught up until that moment, and in a second, it was replaced by love, gentleness, and forgiveness. The words kept coming. "All you have to do is be loving and gentle and kind, to yourself and others. And stay with me." I was speaking but again, it felt like God talking, saying to me, "Stay with me, just stay with me." I felt something along the lines of, "What if it were just you and me (God)? No one else, just you and me? Would you be okay with that?" Before, on the drive, I was worried about friendships, family stuff, other people in my life. And during this calm moment, my brain kept wanting to go back to thinking about other people and how I was letting them down, but each time I would try to go back there, I heard, "Stay with me." Just a gentle reminder to think only of God right then. And then I realized that life could be great with just me and God, that He was the most important being, presence, in my life, and every other person was like a "bonus." People in my life were all gifts from God, like extra blessings beyond the blessing that God is. I suddenly felt so independent, so free, of everything. I was still conscious of the issues and challenges that had distressed me, but I felt okay with however things worked out. Every time I worried I would again hear, "Stay with me." I took it as my directive to mentally and spiritually stay close to God. This thought, this directive, continued for another 30 minutes. The words were so loving and gentle, clear, eloquent, not from me! Just a steady stream of everything I needed to hear.

Also during this time, I felt so warm. I'd been cold on the drive up, and even pretty cold since I'd returned from Ethiopia. It was a weird feeling, as I usually NEVER get cold. I just couldn't seem to warm up. But for those 30 minutes until I reached my destination, I felt so physically warm. And, another interesting thing happened: at one point I looked back and saw that Vinnie had settled down and was snoozing. My frantic voice had worried him, but once God started talking, he was fine.

I'd never had an experience like this before. It may have been a once in a lifetime experience, or maybe not. But whatever it was, I am so grateful. And now, when God and I are talking and I'm trying to learn more about Him, and to see where our relationship goes from here, recalling this experience helps me feel so close to Him.