Gratitude during an unexpected time

I am so grateful for so many things. And for some reason, it seems that this year has been so full of gratitude, more than any other year of my life. What is so special about this year? I have a theory.

So, 2012 has been the most difficult year of my life. Physically, mentally, financially, spiritually... It's certainly been interesting, if not at times overwhelming, frustrating, scary, and uncomfortable. Not sure why so many things seem out of alignment this year, all at once. But I'll get it all figured out, little by little. Also, that's not the point of this post. The point is that, while this has been the worst year of my life in many ways, it has also somehow been the best year of my life. How does that even make any sense? The WORST year somehow is also the BEST year? Read on and maybe I can explain.

Obviously, there have been some wonderful things that have happened this year. Ethiopia stuff. New jobs. Skydiving. Best Seattle Summer Ever. Teaching my little sister how to drive. Beaches. Road trips. My older sister's wedding. Starting to paint. Discovering music again, after a bit of an absence. Getting some articles published. Connecting with new and long-term friends. Connecting with family... The list is endless.  And then there are the things that are less obvious: feeling so much love from people. More importantly, feeling love FOR people. The generosity (of time, money, energy, resources, ideas) of friends and family. Phone calls that come just when I need them. Uplifting texts or emails. A smile, gentle word, or hug. Feeling God's presence so strongly, almost tangibly. The compassion in my life. The laughter. The rainbows-and-balloons feeling, when I feel so elated that I might just float away.

But that's not why it has been the best year. It's not about the "good things" that have happened; and anyway, I believe that it is not what happens to us but how we react to and process what happens. It's been the BEST YEAR because of this amazing cloud of gratitude that I've been floating on for months now. I don't remember ever feeling as much gratitude as I have felt this year; it's like I'm super sensitive to anything good that happens, and my "gratitude sensor" is on overdrive. Before, I don't think I had so much gratitude for all the love in my life, or all the instances of friendship and kindness and generosity that were expressed. No matter what is happening from day to day, I can always think about something good from that day, or from earlier that month or year, and feel all of the gratitude all over again. And gratitude, by its inherent nature, is a double gift anyway; the actual gift from God or a friend or family member, and then the gratitude for the gift, which feels like a warm blanket wrapping us up in love.

Sometimes I wonder if there is a correlation between all of the challenges and all of the gratitude from this year. It can't just be a coincidence. This makes me think of a bible verse about trials: "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds" (James 1:2). I haven't been grateful for the challenges, but somehow the trials seem to make me more grateful in how I view life. When we are at our lowest, we are more vulnerable; maybe this also means we are more able to recognize the good that is present, because it is a like a light in a tunnel of darkness. Let's look at an analogy here: If I am walking outside on a sunny day, and someone hands me a flashlight, I might not recognize the benefit of this flashlight. But if it is dark and I am walking through the forest, bumping into things and tripping and falling into pits and ravines, the flashlight makes such a huge difference. At that point, the flashlight can be life-saving. It is so appreciated, can mean the difference between life or death, and when it is given with love, it just changes the way we perceive our whole experience. Suddenly things don't seem nearly as daunting, and we can move forward when before we felt like we were stuck. It's not that the flashlight on a sunny day was somehow less of a flashlight than the one on a dark evening, but the receiver is so much more grateful for it when they are in the darkness. Likewise in my life, every good thing, kind gesture, generous action, even light-hearted conversation or invitation to get ice cream, has made such a difference this year. I cannot even express how much of a difference it has made. And maybe, if I hadn't gone through these trials, I wouldn't have been as attentive to all of the good in my life that was happening at the exact same time. In some cases, the bad times drew out the blessings; not that I would ever choose to do this all again, but even in the worst times, there was always a silver lining. Something positive that happened, a kind word from a friend, a door opening, a card, a hug, a number of different things that touched my heart.

One final point. The 2 sides of the coin of this year, the best and the worst, don't cancel each other out. I'm not saying, "The good and the bad come together and equal a perfect medium." No. There are some challenging issues that need to be resolved, because I am not going to accept them as a part of my life any longer. They are not following me into 2013, or even November, if I can help it. But also, the goodness that has happened this year in my life cannot be diminished, or become part of the "average" of the best and the worst. The best things can't be considered less because of worse things. So despite all the challenges, or maybe even because of them, I am so grateful for 2012. Best Year Ever.

In summary, I am so incredibly grateful for all of the good and the love and the grace in my life. And to my friends and family, thank you for being such amazing gifts in my life.