In a couple of my blog posts from August (The God Bank and My Conversation with God), I mentioned some recent challenges I've been having in my relationship with God. There's some confusion there, some doubts, and even something that feels a little like anger. And along with these thoughts and feelings, I've also been dealing with the suggestion that I've failed; failed in my faith, in my religion, in my connection with God. I ask myself, Why don't I have more faith? Why do I sometimes wonder where God is? Why can't I fix these problems using my religion? It's hard feeling like I'm failing time and time again, first because of the challenges I've stumbled into, and second, because I have some potential solutions in front of me and still can't seem to get results. However, instead of seeing these as failures, maybe there's another way to look at what's happening.
A few months ago, I was listening to a radio show on faith and victory. The speaker, Channing Walker, was talking about Jesus and how we can have faith in his teachings. He was also talking about Peter, when he was in a boat with the other disciples when the wind and waves started causing the boat to thrash about. The disciples called for help, and so Jesus walked on the water and quieted the storm. Peter, seeing Jesus walking on the water, went out to join him.
"And when Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus. But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me" (Matthew 14:29-30).
At this point, we can think any number of things of Peter : Was he brave? Was he a coward? Why did he want to join Jesus on the water? Why did he doubt?
What Channing Walker suggested was that Peter's actions signified more of a victory than a failure. He showed faith and courage when he stepped out of the boat, so much so that he was able to walk on water. Yes, he started sinking when he looked at the waves and the wind and all that was going on around him, but he made that first step of faith. He did something that the other disciples did not even attempt, and in that moment he was victorious. Can you even imagine how much faith it must have taken to be able to walk on water, even for just a couple of seconds?
I feel that many times, God wants us to try; even if we're scared, even if we don't know what the outcome will be, we can still TRY. And because Jesus reached out his hand when Peter started sinking, we can expect the same kind of support when we need it. God is love, and He responds to our needs with love.
When I feel a lack of faith or trust in God, I find it extremely helpful to think about Peter's experience. I also think about moments in my own walk with God, times when I trusted Him and trusted what He was doing in my life, no matter how daunting the waves and the storm seemed to be at the time. And each time, God was there, reaching out His hand to keep me from sinking.
"He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters" (2 Samuel 22:17).
And in these times of doubt, I try to see each step forward as victorious. Even if they are small, mere baby steps. Even if it's 1 step forward, 2 steps backward. Even if I sink a little bit before calling out to God to save me. And these are all still victories... because I'm trying. I'm not just sitting in the boat, looking at the waves and giving up. I'm trying to get closer to Jesus, trying to walk out to him. To me, any step that gets me closer to God, anything that moves me forward, is not failing.
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