13 ideas for 2013 - and a poem

Not exactly resolutions, but ideas to incorporate into my day-to-day actions and behaviors and thoughts.


13 ideas for 2013:

1. Giving up fear.
We're not here to be afraid of life. Cue Teddy Roosevelt's famous quote about nothing to fear. :)

2. Gratitude for the overwhelming quantity of good that is present.
There is always something we can be grateful for, and usually more than we could ever count.
 

3. Loving intensely, even if it also means being vulnerable.
Henri Nouwen has a great meditation about this:
"Do not hesitate to love and to love deeply. You might be afraid of the pain that deep love can cause. When those you love deeply reject you, leave you, or die, your heart will be broken. But that should not hold you back from loving deeply. The pain that comes from deep love makes your love ever more fruitful. It is like a plow that breaks the ground to allow the seed to take root and grow into a strong plant. Every time you experience the pain of rejection, absence, or death, you are faced with a choice. You can become bitter and decide not to love again, or you can stand straight in your pain and let the soil on which you stand become richer and more able to give life to new seeds."
Also, Leo Buscaglia talks about this as well. "All of us have this incredible potential to love, but it is only a potential... unless it's realized, unless you do something about it, it's not going to happen." http://youtu.be/87DRpZ1Ac0s

4. Honesty.
Not being afraid (#1) of letting people know how much I love them (#3). Trading my safety for my authenticity. (This last part is an idea from Brene Brown.)

5. Knowing that we are all loved unconditionally, we are worthy, and we belong.
This is undeniably true, no matter how we feel on our worst days. There is One who loves us unconditionally. And no matter how different we may feel, how much of an outcast or however unworthy, it is all bullshit. We are amazing and the Beloved.

 

6. Spending some time alone, quiet and intentional, instead of go-go-go.
I have a hard time slowing down. It's almost impossible for me to sit down on my couch and chill for more than 2 minutes. But this is important. When I have some solitude, without my phone or distractions, I seem to be more in tune with what God is saying. So I guess this is not really time alone, but time with God.
 

7. More green juice, less sugar.
Well, I just love www.rawfamily.com.
 

8. Read more, especially by Anne Lamott, Brene Brown, and Henri Nouwen.
Any other amazing spiritually-driven authors you guys know about? Please let me know!
 

9. Talk with myself in the same manner that I talk with my best friend.
It amazes me how mean we are to ourselves. The manner in which I talk with myself, I wouldn't talk with my worst enemy. And why aren't we a bit more compassionate with ourselves? This will be a big one for me this year.
 

10. More dog parks for Vin.
He agrees.
 

11. Listening to/watching more TED talks.
These are amazing. I love TED.
 

12. More journaling.
Somehow I figure out solutions to things when I write about them. The same happens when I go on a bike ride or a walk.
 

13. More time with what matters: family, friends, God.
While still honoring #6.


 

And the poem.

Others

Thinking today
About love
And intensity and strength;
And wondering what we all need.

It comes from within
And comes from above
But still, still...
Everyone needs someone in their life
Who says, "I adore you."

"You're the best."
"You make me laugh."
"I love you." 

 Otherwise, God would have made
7 billion little islands
Instead of 7 continents.

Letting Go

 

The year 2012 came to a close, and 2013 is the current "Now." But it was a bit hard for me to say goodbye to 2012.

As I've written before, 2012 was a pretty tough year, the toughest of my 30 years so far. But it was also the best. So many gifts, so much love, so many kind and generous gestures and happenings... it was overwhelming in all of its goodness. So much happened, too; it's definitely been the year where I've written the most blog posts, sent the most emails -- all long, sentimental, intense -- and posted the most on Facebook. There was a lot going on, both externally with my experiences and internally with how I was processing all of it.

So why is it hard to say goodbye to 2012? I had so many good times, and since those are all a part of me, I don't have to say goodbye to those experiences. For the struggles I faced in 2012, those are easy to let go of; I will not miss them. But there was one aspect of 2012 that I was anxious about saying goodbye to.

A couple months ago I learned that I had lost a very dear friend ("All is well."). I was shocked; it was an unexpected loss. And as the year started to come to a close, I suddenly felt a bit of panic; I didn't want this year to ever end, a year when she was here on earth and alive and well. In all of our human-created arbitrary numbers and timetables and calendars, I was clinging to 2012 because it was a time in my life, a frame of reference, where I could say, "She was here. And if she's not going to be in 2013, then I don't want anything to do with 2013 either." Looking back on this, it seems a bit comical, as if 2012 was a bathroom stall and my friend had written "I was here" on its wall. As if there were ever a time, or ever will be a time, where she won't be present... as if her identity could ever cease to be. But I remember I felt the same thing about November even; on November 1st I found out that she had passed away, and I didn't want November to ever end, because for a couple of waking hours that month, in the early morning hours before the phone call and the news, I had thought she was alive and well. And I wanted to forever remain in that mindset.

I know that seems a bit strange; desperately clinging to a time frame... Especially when we consider that God is timeless and our identities as God's children are also timeless. Even just thinking about the concept of time, we are the ones that think about days and years and birthdays and anniversaries (Time and Anniversaries). But within our human perspectives and thoughts, it can be hard to break away from the structures and foundations that we have built up, many having to do with time.

As I was thinking about not wanting to let go of 2012 (because I was sure I would feel even further from my friend than I currently did if we had to change years), I suddenly had a recovered memory of a moment with her. It was something that had happened over a year ago, in October 2011, and something I probably hadn't thought of since then. We were in a group, and she kept introducing me to people, and telling people things about me that she seemed proud of. Just little things, but the way she talked about me and introduced me to these people, I could feel her love and her admiration. I felt so loved by her then in that moment of 2011. And a couple days ago, when I was feeling like she was getting further and further away, this memory stopped me in my mental tracks and brought me such a sense of peace and love. I felt like she was right there, and again felt so much love from her. (Also, fun random unexpected fact: I was watching a movie at a friend's house this New Year's Eve, and we started the movie in 2012 and finished it in 2013. The setting of the movie? The exact city my friend lived in. Just another sign that merely moving from 1 year to the next couldn't change anything about my friend's identity or her presence in my life.)

One more thought: Sometimes our friends or family see us for what we're worth. They see all of our good and all of our value, and see us as God must see us. And when that friend or family member is away or maybe not even a part of our life anymore, it can be hard for us to remember that we are valuable and worthy. It is good to remember that we are valuable not because that person saw our value, but because that is how God made us. A friend of mine had some wise words of encouragement. "All your good is not wrapped up in that person." When my friend passed on, I felt my personal worth go down. But it's important to realize that my value is not as shifty or unpredictable as the stock market; I, along with all of God's other sons and daughters, am His beautiful creation and He knows that I am precious, unique, and full of worth. And my value has nothing to do with what another person thinks of me, and it cannot be lost just because the person affirming our worth seems to not be as accessible as they once were. There is a quote by Eleanor Roosevelt that I love: "What other people think of me is none of my business." It really doesn't matter what other people think, as God's opinion of us is the only one that matters.

On earth, we grieve. We sometimes feel sad. We experience loss. When thinking about our spiritual identity, no one can be lost. And love, good, is never lost. With these thoughts, I felt a sense of peace as our human calendar changed from Dec. 31, 2012, to Jan. 1, 2013. And I felt that all the love that was ever present was right there, undiminished and stronger than ever.

If it's Christmas, it's pink

 

 

My friend's mom, Ati, always liked the color pink. It was one of her favorite colors. And indeed, the very first time I met her, on a late afternoon in October of 2002, she was wearing a soft pink sweater. Now, when I look back on our relationship, the color pink is right there in my mind, an aura that is represents the love and the care and the gentleness in our friendship.

 

I've also heard that pink is a color that represents healing. Ati was always such a healing presence in everyone’s life, and such a comfort. You just felt so much better after talking with her, like everything was going to be okay. When you needed her, she was there, offering a hug and an uplifting word. Or maybe a joke that would ease the tension of the situation. Or a compassionate look, a listening ear, a gentle smile. She was the healing color of pink in everyone's life.

 

Ati's daughter did not like pink. She preferred darker colors, black and gray and navy blue. Ati knew this and so, when I came into Ati's life, I suddenly became the recipient of everything pink. I will always remember that first gift from Ati, for Christmas 2002: a white shirt with a pink flower on it. That started the trend, and from then on, at each Christmas I got pink shirts, pink pajamas, and even pink shoes as gifts. I was bombarded with pink things. However, what Ati didn’t know was that I didn’t really like the color pink either! But I couldn’t tell her that, could I? She had already been unable to shop for pink things for her daughter, and I didn't want to hurt her feelings. Her daughter always laughed every time I got a pink gift, probably out of relief that she was no longer the recipient. 

 

An interesting thing happened, though; over the years, I began to develop a taste for the color pink. It was always associated with Ati, and in this way, I became a fan. I liked wearing the pink pajamas because they made me think of her, especially since she had a matching purple pair. I liked the pink shirt. I never got into wearing the pink shoes (they didn't match anything I owned), but I couldn't bear to throw them out. They made me happy, just to look at them.

 

Another interesting thing happened over the years: Ati's daughter started to wear pink as well! Pink sweaters, pink blouses… wearing pink made her feel closer to her mom. Ati managed to convert both of us into pink people.

 

Ati was a very special person in my life. She was loving, kind, and maternal. She was so full of love and life and warm, wonderful feelings. And while she held, and will always hold, an important role in my life, she always thought about the other people I had in my life as well... relationships that needed repairing, connections that could be restored. And she always wanted to do whatever she could to help those reparations happen. Ati was always generous and warm, having such a healing effect on people. She is the color pink.

Loving intensely

Two Christmas Eves ago, I texted an overseas friend to wish her happy holidays. We had only become friends a couple of weeks before, but it was one of those friendships that starts out really strongly. I felt like I'd always known her. Actually, a couple days after I met her, I already felt like she was a part of my family.

When I texted her, I didn't expect a response. I knew she was with her family, and it was Christmas, after all. But not long after I sent my message, my phone lit up. Her reply was loving and intense, just like she is. Lots of exclamations, capital letters, and terms of endearment all packed into a little message.

People have all sorts of ways of expressing love. There is a book by Dr. Gary Chapman called The 5 Love Languages. It identifies the 5 major "languages of love" as the following:
1) quality time
2) words of affirmation
3) gifts
4) acts of service
5) physical touch

You can have one preferred way of receiving love, and one preferred way of expressing love to others. Sometimes those match up, and sometimes they don't. I know that for me, I feel loved by all 5 of the ways of expressing love, but I feel most loved by quality time and words of affirmation. I am not sure how I express love the best to others.

I get the feeling that I express love in the same manner in which I have been loved. I think about all the people who have loved me in my life: family members, friends, the pets I've had, acquaintances, friends of friends, strangers, people in other countries, people who started out disliking me and then grew to like me... I have grown and become a better person with each example, each experience of love in my life. I don't know how to explain it except to say that as I grow older and experience more love, my definition of love becomes broader and broader. And I have to thank each and every person who has ever loved me; everyone adds a new perspective of love to my consciousness.

Now, let's look at the source of this love and other examples of love in our lives: to me, that source of love is God. And because we are God's creation, we love people and are in turn loved back by people. And sometimes we love pretty intensely, and are loved back pretty intensely. Sometimes it is more relaxed, and may take a while for the full extent of the love to be shown or expressed. And each way of loving, each expression of love, is a blessing and a gift from God.

All love comes from above. One of my favorite verses talks about gifts: "Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights" (James 1:17). Whatever good we have in our life is a reflection of the goodness of God, a gift that is given to us, His beloved children. The amount that God loves us is more than we will ever understand here on earth. Jesus loves intensely, God loves intensely, and likewise, we reflect their love when we love people, animals, and the world around us.

However, even though we are loved by God, sometimes love can seem unexpected, foreign, even undeserved. In my own life, I look back at even just the past year, and there were so many times when a friend or family member reached out to me, loved me, and I didn't know what to do or say. The amount of love that I felt was so strong, so overwhelming, but in a good way. This amount of love made me so grateful for life and everything in it. Every day was like a present that I was opening, to discover what goodness it contained.

Along these same lines, the friend I texted a couple years ago was so intensely loving from the get-go, and I didn't know how to respond at first. She began our friendship by telling me she was upset with me for not introducing myself when I first saw her. "You didn't come over. You denied me the opportunity to give you a hug." How does one respond to that? This person had so much love to give, so much affection, that she never let me forget that day when she was denied the opportunity to express some of that love. Later in our friendship, when I would get down on myself about something, she would say, "What are you talking about? You are WONDERFUL! Any other thinking is like when you thought you were going to bother me by saying hello that one time..." I definitely didn't feel that I deserved the amount of love that she was pouring out, but at the same time, it opened my eyes to another example of incredible love that was a direct reflection of God's love.

Why do we ever feel unworthy of this love, from people or from God? The Bible tells us, "See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God" (1 John 3:1). We are His children, He is our Father. How could we ever doubt that He loves us, or that we are lovable? Of course, as humans we all make mistakes; we all stumble and have challenges and sometimes don't act in ways that demonstrate our highest selves. But God, as our parent, will always love us, and we, as His children, will always be lovable and worthy of that love. If we could only see ourselves as God sees us... or even, for that matter, as our dearest friends see us. We would be a lot more patient with ourselves, and definitely more loving towards ourselves.

Mindy Jostyn has a wonderful song, In His Eyes, which always helps me in seeing that I am worthy of being loved. An excerpt is below:

"In His eyes, you're a fire that never goes out
A light on the top of a hill.

Now and forever, that light never dies
You're dearly beloved in His eyes."

If we could see the way that God sees us, it would change our views of ourselves, and of those around us. We are all worthy of love, and of being recognized as precious children of God.

There is another bible passage which has brought me a lot of comfort this past year, about how God helps us because He loves us so dearly.

“He reached down from on high and took hold of me;
he drew me out of deep waters.
He rescued me from my powerful enemy,
from my foes, who were too strong for me.
They confronted me in the day of my disaster,
but the Lord was my support. 
He brought me out into a spacious place;
he rescued me because he delighted in me."
-- 2 Samuel 22:17-20

Many times this year, I focused on the last line: "He rescued me because he delighted in me." And I would remind myself that as my Heavenly Father, He loved me as one of His precious daughters. I kept thinking about all the (sometimes overwhelming) love I felt in my life from people and from my dog, and how much greater His love for me was. That is a lot of love, an incomprehensible amount of love. Intense.

I am so grateful for the gift of feeling love for God's creation, and for feeling love from God's creation. And I am so grateful for the source of all of our love, the One who loves us the most intensely of all.

Rolling down the path - some thoughts on life and death

Life and death, loss and grief, love and the eternal. In the past 2 days in light of what happened in Connecticut, and then in the past 6 weeks in light of losing a close friend of mine, I've been thinking a lot about these things. Today a thought came to me that gave me some comfort.

We often see our existence in 2 phases: the time we are alive, living on this earth; and the time when we have passed on, and our "being" is no longer occupying a tangible, breathing body. I see our existence this way; I know many people do. But I think these 2 phases differ only in their appearance or in the perspective of those who are alive on this earth. When we pass away, when our loved ones experience loss in our passing, I have heard the person who has passed on described as being "in the next room." Our souls, our actual identities as "beings," don't change; we have always been and will always be God's son or daughter and one of his divine ideas.

Today, when thinking about the recent losses in our nation and in my own experience, I pictured a ball rolling down a path. The ball represented our entire existence, both on this earth and then afterwards for eternity. Let's picture that the path is lined by trees, and that the ball is rolling through the darkness of the shade. Then suddenly, the line of trees ends, and the ball continues rolling under the sunshine. The path is lit up brightly, and the ball continues on its journey, rolling down the path.

At no point did the ball ever stop rolling; it didn't even slow down. I see this as our identity: even when we pass on, our identity and our being doesn't ever stop or slow down. We are just moving along down the path. Likewise, there is not a second when we are out of God's love or out of His care. Just as the ball didn't stop when it got to the end of the shade, and start again once it entered the sunlight, God didn't stop being right with us. He is right there for our entire journey.

It comforted me somewhat to think about this path that we take, especially when thinking about the children in Connecticut. Their existence as beautiful, wonderful, precious children of God never stopped, and was never interrupted. On earth, their loved ones and the survivors may see an interruption and a stopping point: I definitely did when I learned that my friend had passed away. But this idea today gave me a bit of hope, and made me feel so close with God. He is right there, right next to us, walking down the path with us whether we are in the shade or in the sunlight.

Thank God I Missed My Flight

Two years ago today, a couple friends and I were packing up and getting ready to fly back home from the UK. We'd just explored Spain, Andorra, and finished off the trip with a few days in Britain. I checked with my friends, and they informed me that our flight wasn't until 4pm. Good, I thought. I have time to go to church beforehand.

I stumbled out of bed Sunday morning and was alarmed to realize it was already 10:15. Church started at 11am, and I had no idea where it was. The UK-dwelling friend we were staying with came upstairs and said, "You ready to go?" I was so grateful she was going to walk me there, even though it was apparent she had just gotten up as well. I quickly changed into a hooded sweatshirt and wrinkled pants, and we headed out the door.

Once there, I was surprised by how warm and friendly people were, even with my obvious disheveled look. I hope they didn't think that all Americans look like that, just me. :) But I was welcomed with smiles and kind words upon walking through the door, and I felt immediately at home. Since then, this church has become my UK church... I've attended their services 2 other times, and I always feel so incredibly welcome. After chatting with some people there, I found a seat and waited for the service to begin.

At the time, I was struggling with something... it was an internal struggle, something that was happening on an emotional level. It had come up a few times during the trip, and I had been praying and thinking about a solution. But what was interesting was that as soon as I walked through the doors of the church, I felt immediately at peace. I felt so much love in that church. And once the readings from the bible lesson started, I was amazed at how applicable they were to the issue I was having. It was like each scripture and verse was written just for me, to specifically address my personal concerns. It was profound.

In that moment, I closed my eyes and felt God's presence more than I'd ever felt it in my entire life. I felt like I was being wrapped up in a hug. It was amazing. And I felt some healing happening with the struggle that I had been feeling only moments before. And then the thought came, "This is how I want to feel, and this is where I want to be."

Also, I connected with someone there who would later become a dear friend. Just being in their church seemed to bring us together, and a wonderful friendship blossomed from that starting point. So all in all, it was a great morning.

After church, I got my friends and we headed to the airport. And immediately found out that our flight had left a couple hours before; what my friends had seen where it said, "16:00" was actually the departure time of our connecting flight, a brief layover in another country. After waiting in line for a few hours, it seemed our only option was to take the same flight the next day. We would be charged for the difference in airfare (about $600 each, about a third of what I had spent on the entire trip), and would have to find a hotel room that night. We sent some frantic emails to our workplaces as obviously we would not be coming in to work the next morning, and then dejectedly left the airport. I hardly slept that night, fearing that we would sleep in and miss the flight again and have to pay even more money.

Later, probably weeks later, I became so grateful for what happened. I realized that I wouldn't have changed what had happened for anything in the world, as the experience I had in that church was one of those truly great experiences of my life. It was so life-changing for me, in ways that I cannot even begin to explain here. And despite the annoyance or inconvenience of missing our flight, that was probably one of the greatest mistakes I've ever made in my life. And even more recently, the past month or so, I have been even more grateful that this happened. What a gift that morning church service was, in so many ways.

We never know what will happen in our lives. We don't know the good that can come from something that seems like a negative event. But God knows; He knows what's happening, and what we may need or want in our lives even before we do. And I am so grateful that He knows and provides these wonderful moments in my life.

The First Year of Gratitude

I'm thinking about gratitude today... and how much there is to be grateful for. There is so much good in the world, so much love, and I am so grateful that God created us with the ability to feel all of the beauty, compassion, gentleness, and love that is around us. Even when we don't feel the love, we know that God is love (1 John 4:8), and since God is always present, the love is always there.

For as long as I can remember, I have always felt grateful for the love in my life; the kindnesses, the acts of compassion, the times when I felt God's presence, the friends and family who somehow saved me, both figuratively and literally. But this year is different; I can't remember any other year in my life where I have felt so intensely grateful, gratitude that has bowled me over time and time again. There are so many instances every single day that cause this overwhelming feeling of gratitude to well up inside of me. And because I can't remember any year when I felt quite this grateful, I am calling this "The First Year of Gratitude." (Strangely enough, this has also been the toughest year, but I addressed that topic in an earlier blog.) It is the first year where I have felt it permeate every moment, every nook and cranny, of every day. And in the future, I hope that I can always remember to be grateful, whether I am having a rough time or an easy time or whatever may be going on.

One day this past July, I was walking along the ocean. I'd been having a hard time with things, and had been contemplating my life: there were a lot of circumstances that I didn't know what to do about. But I knew that life was good and was a gift from God, and I knew that it could be better than it was currently. I'd recently had a "rainbows and balloons" moment, which is what I call the feeling I get when I am overcome with an incredible feeling of joy, and the knowledge that life is pretty fantastic. It had been a while since I'd felt that feeling, and when it showed up again I was so grateful. At one point on that ocean walk, I just stopped and closed my eyes... I felt the wind on my face, I listened to the seagulls calling to each other, and I breathed in the salty air. I had such a sense of stillness and of peace. The verse "Peace, be still" (Mark 4:39) came to me then, and for a full minute I just stood there. I thought of everything in my life, all the gifts and the blessings, and I was so grateful.

When thinking about limitless gratitude, countless things to be grateful for, I sometimes view the start of a day as a blank piece of paper. If I think of any single day in my life starting out as that blank paper, waiting to be written on, I see that the good that is present in my life fills up the paper pretty quickly. I know that there are countless things that happen each day, each hour, I can be grateful for. Maybe it is Vinnie snuggling up next to me in the morning, gently reminding me that I've hit the snooze button 4 times already. Or rushing to work and discovering that someone has brought bagels to share. Or a mid-morning phone call from a friend, who simply says, "I was just thinking of you and wanted to check in." A loving email. A funny dog video on YouTube that a friend sends me. A nice conversation with a coworker. A joke that a client can't wait to tell me. Running for the bus and realizing that both the bus and I are exactly 3 minutes late, in perfect synchronicity. Receiving a check in the mail that is the exact amount that those new brakes are going to cost. A hymn at church that speaks directly to my heart and is exactly what I need to hear. I find that no matter what happens, no matter what is going on in my life, at the end of the day there are more things written on that paper that fall under the "grateful" side than the "this sucks" side. It is an amazing feeling when we realize how many gifts are actually present, little or big things, that can make such a difference.

And each of those things is a gift from God. One of my favorite verses talks about these gifts. "Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights" (James 1:17). Any good thing that happens in our day is like a personalized present from God, a time when God says, "I thought you could use this today," or, "Let me make this a little easier for you; I've got your back." I think about Him being there with us, talking with us, knowing that all is well and helping us maneuver through our lives as we also discover, although at a much slower pace, that all is well.

This is not to discount the rough days, or the times when things are really difficult or traumatizing. We all have those moments, those times in our lives where we don't know what to do. And on numerous occasions, I am not proud to admit, I have mentally compiled a list of things that were going wrong in my life. It made me feel vindicated, somehow justified, for how horrible I was feeling. When it seems the odds are stacked against you or that nothing is going right, life can seem pretty unfair and harsh. I can only speak from my experience, but I know that even during these horrible times we sometimes find ourselves in, God is always present. There has always been some comfort, some glimmer of hope, that has been there just when I needed it. In those tough moments over the past year, I am so grateful that I somehow found the ounce of strength (or desperation, not sure which) that it took to try and find one good thing. I have a friend who once told me, "Just find one good thought, and hang on to it." That was so helpful. Just one good idea, one moment with God... one phone call that I could make or email that I could write to a friend who could help me get some perspective or give me something to lean on until I found my footing again. And when that happened, what I found was that I was so grateful for anything that wasn't dark, that had some bit of hope or happiness, that it somehow turned the tables on how I was feeling. Once I had a good thought in my head, a little bit of inspiration and hope, it sort of grew until it took over every other thing that was unlike it. And that just shows me one more thing I'm grateful for: the power of good to overcome anything not good. Obviously, we may still need some time to work through things, some prayer or some extra help, but in those dark times a little light makes all the difference and can motivate us to even want to take those extra steps.

I am so grateful for each gift in my life, and for God and His presence. I am also so grateful for the ways He shows love to us: through nature, through our connections with other people, through animals, through His ideas. God, Love, is all around. I am grateful for this year, this First Year of Gratitude, and for the many more years in my life to come where I will have the opportunity to express and feel this love and gratitude. What a gift.

- Thanksgiving 2012