Now what?

As many of you probably know, I came back from a month-long retreat a couple of weeks ago. It was a hugely transformative time, something that changed my life drastically (and now that I am back in real life, I am happily seeing the changes occur in my every-day feelings, interactions, and routines), and something that seemed to be exactly what I needed. So, now that I'm back, what does this all look like?


I'm kind of figuring this out as I go along. Although the month away was the hardest month of my life, I also knew it was a contained, limited time. And it was a relatively unburdened time; I didn't have the distractions of a job (or several jobs), of taking care of Vinnie, of being tied to my cell phone, of driving several hours and dozens of miles every day, of having to cook and plan a healthy menu every meal. (I mean, not that I do that last one in my normal life, but... I felt especially unburdened by this since someone was feeding me a healthy breakfast and lunch every day and all I had to worry about was dinner.) So, even though it was difficult, it was easy as well; my only requirements were to wake up, eat breakfast, and show up, ready to be real and authentic and vulnerable... Kind of like what I attempt to do in real life. No one asked me to "be" or "feel" anything. I didn't have to wear a mask, or have any expectations placed upon me, except that I show up and be as brave as I can be. It was awesome.


Before I came back home, I realized that I had no idea how I was going to feel once I returned. I had a lot of worries: "What if I lose the sense of peace I've found here?" and "What if things go back to exactly how they were when I left?" and "What if all that I've learned here leaves my mind as soon as I step out these doors?" Each time one of these thoughts would come, I would just take a deep breath and think, "I have no way of knowing until I go home." There was no point in worrying about it, and especially not while I was still on this retreat.


But I didn't need to worry. Each day I had so many revelations and insights, and to think that I could be unaffected by all of this change and progress and growth... Well, that's a silly thought. When something so big, so life-changing, happens, how could things ever go back to being the same? Things will never be the same again, and this is a very good thing.


I don't know if this makes sense, but... I'm completely different, but still Katie. Still weird, quirky, sensitive, intense... but different. I don't know how to describe it. There are definitely no words that come close to how I feel. But just in my own skin, and being with myself, there is a sense of peace. I wrote about this a few weeks ago in my blog entitled, "Loving Ourselves." There is a sense of confidence as well. A type of confidence I don't remember ever having... Actually, scratch that. I think I was pretty confident as an innocent little kid, standing in front of the video camera and making hours and hours of home movies. (I wrote about that in "The World Is Round," in case you have endless time to sit around reading all my blogs.) On a related note, reading the blogs I wrote while on my retreat is kind of surreal. Like I see them as a black and white photograph from the past, but so full of meaning and depth. But back to confidence. I hadn't felt that type of confidence for decades, and now it's back, and I like it!


I was at work today, and had a couple of moments where people talked with me. And something in the way I responded, in the way I smiled at them, felt different. And interacting with people at church, and with my closest friends, and the ways I deal with conflict... Since being home I've already made a couple of big mistakes, and in the past these types of things would eat at me for months, probably years. But somehow, for some reason, I've already forgiven myself for these mistakes. Even though I feel horrible about them, and really wished I hadn't done them, I'm able to be compassionate with myself. Self-compassion, with the gentle reminder that I could have handled something so much better, seems to be such a healthier and more productive way to create change. Who knew? And the voice, the voice of criticism, the negative voice that had been haunting me for decades, seems to have almost vanished. This is amazing. AMAZING. Today I did something ridiculous and heard the former routine criticism, "You are such a stupid idiot." Immediately followed by, "No..." and a sense that that critical voice had no room or relevance with me anymore. And to be honest, that voice hasn't made much of a peep since I left for my retreat, about 6 weeks ago. So I've discovered that not only are my interactions with others different, but my thoughts and treatment of myself are different as well. I like myself! I could spend time with myself and be perfectly happy.


So that's what it all looks like now. I'm sure things will keep progressing and I'll have more insights as I continue on this journey. For now, I'm grateful for what has taken place, and curious and eager as to how it will unfold as time goes on.