Failure vs. Victory

In a couple of my blog posts from August (The God Bank and My Conversation with God), I mentioned some recent challenges I've been having in my relationship with God.  There's some confusion there, some doubts, and even something that feels a little like anger. And along with these thoughts and feelings, I've also been dealing with the suggestion that I've failed; failed in my faith, in my religion, in my connection with God. I ask myself, Why don't I have more faith? Why do I sometimes wonder where God is? Why can't I fix these problems using my religion? It's hard feeling like I'm failing time and time again, first because of the challenges I've stumbled into, and second, because I have some potential solutions in front of me and still can't seem to get results. However, instead of seeing these as failures, maybe there's another way to look at what's happening. 

A few months ago, I was listening to a radio show on faith and victory. The speaker, Channing Walker,  was talking about Jesus and how we can have faith in his teachings. He was also talking about Peter, when he was in a boat with the other disciples when the wind and waves started causing the boat to thrash about.  The disciples called for help, and so Jesus walked on the water and quieted the storm. Peter, seeing Jesus walking on the water, went out to join him. 

"And when Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus. But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me" (Matthew 14:29-30). 

At this point, we can think any number of things of Peter : Was he brave? Was he a coward? Why did he want to join Jesus on the water? Why did he doubt? 

What Channing Walker suggested was that Peter's actions signified more of a victory than a failure. He showed faith and courage when he stepped out of the boat, so much so that he was able to walk on water. Yes, he started sinking when he looked at the waves and the wind and all that was going on around him, but he made that first step of faith. He did something that the other disciples did not even attempt, and in that moment he was victorious. Can you even imagine how much faith it must have taken to be able to walk on water, even for just a couple of seconds? 

I feel that many times, God wants us to try; even if we're scared, even if we don't know what the outcome will be, we can still TRY. And because Jesus reached out his hand when Peter started sinking, we can expect  the same kind of support when we need it. God is love, and He responds to our needs with love. 

When I feel a lack of faith or trust in God, I find it extremely helpful to think about Peter's experience. I also think about moments in my own walk with God, times when I trusted Him and trusted what He was doing in my life, no matter how daunting the waves and the storm seemed to be at the time. And each time, God was there, reaching out His hand to keep me from sinking. 

"He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters" (2 Samuel 22:17).

And in these times of doubt, I try to see each step forward as victorious. Even if they are small, mere baby steps. Even if it's 1 step forward, 2 steps backward. Even if I sink a little bit before calling out to God to save me. And these are all still victories... because I'm trying. I'm not just sitting in the boat, looking at the waves and giving up. I'm trying to get closer to Jesus, trying to walk out to him. To me, any step that gets me closer to God, anything that moves me forward, is not failing. 

Truth and lies - Being mistaken for Russian

When I worked at the college a few years ago, one of my fellow teachers asked me if I spoke Russian. I answered, "No, I speak Spanish," thinking that she simply mistook the 2 languages when we were learning about each other's educational backgrounds. 

Some time later, she asked me why I didn't speak Russian. I looked at her a bit funny, and told her that I decided to study Spanish instead. She then asked, "Why didn't your parents make sure you learned Russian? Didn't you speak it in the house growing up?" I looked at her even more strangely, and told her my parents didn't speak any other languages; they were born in the United States, their parents were born in the United States, and past that... Well, Norway and Wales. Not Russia. 

She started laughing. "Oh! I've always thought you were Russian. You LOOK Russian. I just assumed. I couldn't understand why you didn't SPEAK Russian." Needless to say, I started laughing as well, and 6 years later, we still laugh about that story. 

This story reminds me of the times that I get stuck. Sometimes I assume something to be true, or I get so caught up in a lie, that it affects my own grasp of what is real and true and based in reality. Whether it's a lie about myself that I've been told or that I have come up with on my own, or a misguided opinion about someone else that affects the way I think about them or treat them, or something that I just tell myself is true without checking the facts to be true (like ice cream is good for me because it contains calcium)... These are not truths, but when we take them as true, they affect our thoughts and behaviours.

I had a couple of teachers in high school who helped me deal with some issues I was having outside of school.  And both of them stood up to the lies I was facing in my life. One teacher told me, "That isn't right. That's not ok." What I'd gotten used to as normal actually wasn't normal. He helped me take another look at my skewed view of an aspect of my life, and see it for what it really was, the reality of the situation. The other teacher kept telling me, "You gotta call a spade a spade." She was very clear about not twisting the truth of the matter. Just grab it, the truth or the reality or the facts, and call it like I see it. Both of these people were amazingly helpful as I was navigating this particular aspect of my life. 

Now, when I get caught up in negative self-talk, or a particularly tempting lie about myself or someone else, or a lie or bit of ignorance about God, it's helpful to remember the experience with my friend. I recall the certainty she seemed to feel about my Russian heritage, without even knowing the facts. I also clearly remember her disdain, condescension even, that my parents had let the Russian language slip through my language study and acquisition. She had created this whole story about me that was not based in truth at all. But once she discovered the truth, the lie seemed so funny, so ridiculous, and she was able to see that it had no foundation. 

I hope that as I continue on my journey to discover the truth, about myself, the people around me, but most importantly, about God, that I will strive to believe things that are secure, sitting on a strong foundation. Everything else is just smoke and mirrors, a blatant lie, and at best, a comical misunderstanding. Instead, I want to have a foundation that has no fallacies; one that is strong and steady, and based on the true ideas that I can see reflected all around me. If I fill up with good, with truth, there will be no room for anything else.