Tuesday, December 8, 2015

The Dream Visits

Do you ever dream about those who have passed away? I love seeing my loved ones again, and somehow, when I wake up, I feel like some healing has taken place with my grief.


Ever since Ati passed away in 2008, I have dreamt about her probably at least a dozen times. The tone and the content of the dreams have varied over the years, but in every single dream, she has always been so warm and affectionate, just like she was before she passed away.

While she has remained unchanged between the two locations, life and after-life, I have changed. When she was here, I joked with her, thought up ways to make her laugh, learned funny words and songs in Farsi to surprise her with, tickled her, teased her, and generally acted like a kid who was learning what it was like to be loved by someone so loving, so maternal, and so affectionate, and not only loved but loved unconditionally. I was giddy with her; I was silly and innocent and child-like, just like a little kid is who knows she is loved always. And then we would have these wonderful, mature, adult conversations, and I loved those just as much, because it meant that Ati saw me as an adult and a peer and her equal, someone she could trust with stories of her life, with her hopes for the
future, and with struggles in her life. We had a great relationship and understanding of the importance we had in each other's lives.

But now, in my dreams, I am different. As much as I love seeing her, I am usually heartbroken. I go from crying to hugging her to asking her, "But why aren't you here anymore?" I have such a longing within me for her to be with me, not just in my dreams but physically present in my life. I see her in my dreams and I immediately burst into tears, just because I have missed her so much these past 7 years. She was someone I had waited for my whole life; she filled something in my life that I had lacked since I was a young kid, before I even started going to school. And our time together was so brief.

Last night, I dreamt her as she would be in 2015 were she still here. At this time, she would have been 64 years old, instead of the 57 years old when she passed away. I dreamt that her hair had turned gray, and it was this soft, fluffy gray that suited her very well. Her face had a few more wrinkles, and she looked like a grandmother, which, in a matter of days, she would have been as her daughter is currently 8 months pregnant. This is the first time in my dreams that she has appeared as she would have been at age 64; usually, she visits me in her 50's, the last time I saw her.

When I awoke, I was sobbing. My dog Vinnie was lying next to me, maybe there to comfort me or
maybe just used to me crying and vocalizing during my dream state. And as I tried so desperately to return to the dream, or at least to let it linger in my thoughts instead of drifting away like morning clouds, I realized that in a way, Ati had moved on. Wherever she is, whatever she is doing, she is not the 57-year old woman who passed away from cancer. She is doing what she is doing, visiting people in dreams and loving me and preparing to be a grandmother, although a bit more distant than we would prefer. It is 2015, and as much as I would like it to be 2008 to be able to see her again, or for there to be a cure for cancer that would save her, it is 2015. And as the years go by, as I process my life around me, I heal a little bit more from the grief of losing her.

A couple years after she passed away, she visited me in a dream, and all she wanted to do was talk about Alfred Hitchcock's movies. This is something we did when she was alive; Ati went to college in Los Angeles in the 1970's, and loved the Hollywood scene. She got 2 master's degrees in the arts (graphic design and photography), and loved anything that had to do with art and movies and music. And she was particularly fascinated by Alfred Hitchcock. She didn't necessarily think he was a good guy, but was intrigued by the stories of his directing style. Tippy Hendron was of particular interest to her, and how her career was affected by Hitchcock. In this dream, I was again heartbroken, but Ati just hugged me and chatted about Hitchcock. She was not there bemoan why she passed away; she just wanted to have a conversation with me like we used to have in Canada, sitting on her couch and discussing everything Hollywood. That dream affected me too; she had moved on, and was continuing the relationship where we left off. Why couldn't I?

I wish that I could just enjoy the dreams, talk with her, maybe ask her how she is doing in the after-life rather than crying every time I see her. I would like to tell her that I am gay, although she must already know. I would like to tell her about her soon-to-be grandson, and tell her about the baby shower that we had a couple months ago. I would like to ask her what she thinks for a name for her grandson. I would like to say, "Hey, thanks for visiting me. It is so good to see you." Because that's all it is; I am so happy to see her each time because I have really missed her. And instead of sobbing each and every time, maybe it is time to move on and just enjoy these visits with my very good friend.

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