Necessary Goodbyes

This past summer I said goodbye, purposefully, to 2 friends - to 2 friendships that I'd thought
I'd have for life.

I have never willingly said goodbye to a friend or a relationship in its entirety;  I've broken up with romantic partners before, but we have always remained friends if they have been willing to. Part of the reason for that is that generally the break ups are amicable; another reason for that is that even if something uncomfortable happened, if I've felt wronged in some way, I am generally a pretty forgiving person. I believe people get 2nd, 3rd, 4th chances, and even if we have been unable to continue the relationship in the same form, I don't give up on them as people. One of my favorite quotes comes from Audrey Hepburn:

"People have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone."

I have been incredibly blessed to have great friends and a supportive  network of people in my life. However, there have been several relationships over the course of my life that have been harmful to me, and even those I've kept. Again, Audrey Hepburn.

But something happened this summer. I reached the tipping point, the moment where something all too familiar occured and I said, "Enough." I think this has been the result of the years, the decades,
of "living while female," a dangerous sport that I know at least half of my friends are familiar with;
the concept of living in a world where rape culture and objectification are just par for the course.
This "living while female" is a lifestyle, not an anomalous occurence that a few unlucky women have to experience. And even though I'm writing about a couple of experiences that happened this summer and have somehow come to the decision to end these friendships, it has not been isolated to this summer. As a female, this experience is a daily reality and has been for me for decades. I don't expect it to change, but somehow the way I respond to it did; my response this summer has been unlike any response previously in my life.

The first friendship I closed the door on was with a man my age, someone I met randomnly but with whom I had a lot in common with. We spent tons of time together, in person and in communication through phone and through social media. For my own personal reasons, including the fact that I suspected this person may be somewhat homophobic, I did not disclose my sexuality to him.

However, from the first week we met, it became clear that he wanted more out of the relationship than I did, and I repeatedly told him that I was not nterested in dating him, and really no one for that matter. I explained that I was single and I loved being single, and we could remain friends but it would not go further than that. I was encouraged to give it a shot, to give him a shot, to give dating a shot. I declined, repeatedly. There was no question about my interest; I made it very clear that I was interested in being friends, but that's all I could offer.

Many people are probably wondering why I continued being this person's friend. At this point in the friendship, he wasn't doing anything inappropriate. Sure, he sent me an article about women who enjoy being single and how they found a partner when they least expected it. I thanked him for sending it to me and said that I was not going to be dating anyone anytime soon. It crossed my mind a few times to just tell him that I am gay, but it wasn't really his business anyway; my intentions were clear, and I had no need or obligation to expand on them if I didn't want to. Besides, for reasons I will not go into here, I didn't feel comfortable coming out to him as gay. He was still a relatively new friend, and I hadn't built up enough trust yet for that kind of disclosure. (Nevermind the fact that it was all over Facebook 2 years ago, so he could have discovered it himself if he scrolled back far enough.) But I didn't end the friendship because we both enjoyed each other's company, and I wasn't doing anything to lead him on, and if he wanted to hang out with me knowing that I was not going to date him, then that was his choice. He is a 33-year-old adult and can make that decision on his own, just as I can make the same decision about whom to hang out with. I just made sure I was clear about my intentions, and the rest was on him.

Then came the night that ended it for me. We'd made plans to hang out, and 2 hours after we were supposed to get together, he showed up at my house. He said he'd had to pick someone up at the airport and got delayed. That was fine; it was a Friday night, my birthday weekend, and I was pretty relaxed.

He also brought an entire bottle of vodka. I gave him a cup and he poured himself about half a shot, took 1 sip, and said that was enough. Then I noticed that he appeared already drunk. That was confirmed when he said he'd had a couple drinks with the person he picked up at the airport. He also said he didn't drink much and was already pretty wasted.

He started talking about how much he liked me, and how he wished we could date. I again told him that that was not an option, and that this conversation was getting boring for me; we'd had it over and over again for months. I explained he was a good friend, and that was all.

My friend appeared to become frustrated, and grabbed his keys to leave. I suggested he wait until he seemed less drunk and able to drive home safely, as he lived over 10 miles away. He insisted that he was fine, and I repeated that it might be better to wait. I told him that I had a guest room with a large bed, blankets, and pillows if he would like. I knew at this point that if he got into his car, he would most likely get into an accident, or quite possibly get a DUI. I didn't want him to be on the road and potentially kill himself or others because he was intoxicated.

After some back and forth, my friend decided to spend the night. And then a couple hours later, after I had gone to bed and had fallen asleep, he sexually assaulted me. It was not rape, but I am sure that if I hadn't woken up when I did, that would have occurred. I woke up to something so inappropriate and uncomfortable, and was partly shocked and partly angry. In my sleepy state, it was hard to fully understand what was happening, but then it became clear and I was so upset. My friend eventually left, having sobered up by that point, which made me even angrier as he wasn't even able to blame his actions on being drunk. He was well aware of what he was doing.

The next day, he texted. No apology, no explanation. Just an inquiry on how I was doing. Just a casual hello. And a question about getting together for my birthday.

I responded with 2 words: "No thanks." And then I repeated the word "No" several times in response to his repeated messages. Maybe he hadn't taken my previous "No's" seriously when I told him I didn't want to date him, when I told him I didn't want to sleep with him, and when I told him that I didn't want to marry him. So I kept saying, "No" and nothing else. I thought about calling the police, but did not. I thought about calling the person he is staying with, rent-free, and decided against it. I just needed to think about what to do. All I decided on was that I could not hang out with this person again. This was a very new idea for me; I have been mistreated in the past by a few different people in my life, and never before have I decided that the relationship was over. I don't know if I just didn't think I was good enough, or that I didn't deserve to be treated well, but for some reason I had never before walked out of a relationship. I felt so used and degraded, and like an object that he had wanted that was not available, and so he decided to take it anyway. What started as a night where I probably saved his life and maybe the lives of others, and probably saved him from a DUI and a fine and potential jail time, ended with him thanking me by sexually assaulting me. I was so angry.

A few days later, after many more messages and attempts to contact me, I told him why I was upset. Maybe he didn't remember? Maybe he was still drunk when it happened, even hours after drinking, and really had no idea what he'd done?

So I told him. And his response was, "I'm sorry that you're upset. We all do things in life, we make mistakes, and we forgive each other. That's life."

This made me so angry as well. This was not an apology! It was an explanation of why his behavior was okay and why I needed to forgive him. Why was it my job to forgive him for this? And if I did forgive him, which at this point I think I have, why did I need to interact with him, talk with him, be continually bothered with messages and attempts at conversation? He crossed the line, and broke that trust, and there should have been no doubt in his mind from my repeated declarations that I did not want to date him.

A couple weeks later, I received yet more messages from him. And I just told him that I was not able to talk with him anymore. That we wanted different things, that he had hurt me. I didn't want to talk with him anymore.

He still sends me messages from time to time. I ignore them, and will continue to do so, until I figure out what I am going to do next, whether it is go to the police or just again ask him to not talk to me again. Every time I get his messages, I feel irritated, like he hasn't listened to me, that he still hasn't listened to what I want or need or don't want or need. I want him to listen to me without me having to go to the police, and I don't understand why he doesn't comprehend that I don't want him in my life anymore.