Forgiveness

If I could change two things about myself (and somehow, these two things are closely related), I would want to be more forgiving of myself, and to be more forgiving of others.

Those of you who know me, who spend a lot of time with me, know that I am constantly apologizing about mistakes that I make, or mistakes that I perceive I make. And often, I apologize more than once about the same thing. It's like I feel guilty about something, something I can't quite figure out, and so am spending my whole life apologizing about every little thing I do. But no matter how much I apologize, I still feel guilty. A part of my heart, maybe my soul, always carries a tinge of guilt. Have you heard the term "apologizing for existing"? Often this term is used to describe people who apologize for everything, almost up to apologizing for breathing. Sometimes I think this is me. In any case, I wish that I would quickly figure out what I need to forgive myself for, and do it already, so I can stop apologizing all the time.

I also want to work on forgiving other people. It seems that the closer a connection I have with the person, the harder it is to forgive them. Maybe because the closer they are to me, the more vulnerable I allow myself to be around them. Any perceived offenses, then, are emotionally deeper than anything that could occur with an acquaintance or a stranger.

I recently went to a lecture on forgiveness. The speaker was Dr. Fred Luskin, a Stanford professor and well-spoken, brilliant man (also author of Forgive for Good, among other books). One thing in particular that he said that stood out to me was, "Jesus was less ruffled by being crucified than we are having to wait 5 minutes in the grocery store." What a shocking, but true, analysis. Even in the last hours of Jesus' life, he said, "Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do" (Luke 23:34). In comparison, how often do we get bent out of shape if someone takes a little bit longer getting exact change for the checker at Safeway, or cuts us off in traffic? These minor slights, not even personal attacks against us, can often leave us fuming.

A friend recently reminded me of Jesus' words to Peter, to forgive his brother not just 7 times, but 70x7 (Matthew 18:22). My friend hypothesized that maybe it was because someone may offend us once, but we play it over and over in our minds, reliving the offense 70 times, essentially eternity. And what does that do for us? Sometimes I think it is because we are searching for something; a reason behind the offense, some explanation we must have missed. Or maybe we become filled with such righteous indignation and it makes us feel better about ourselves to replay the event, affirming our position as the "wronged" or the "victim." I am not sure, but I do feel that each time I replay an offense, I suffer just like when it first happened.

Dr. Luskin had a different take on 70x7. He said that the act of forgiving someone benefited us; that Jesus asked Peter to forgive his brother 70x7 times because that would be good not only for the offending person but also for Peter, for his character and his soul. The repetitive forgiving would give Peter ample practice, and each time he forgave someone, he would get better at it and it would come more easily the next time. Practice makes perfect, right?

Jesus told his disciples, "If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also" (Matthew 5:39). During a discussion at Luskin's lecture, one of my table mates shared something he had read. It wasn't that Jesus was advising his disciples to let people walk all over them and abuse them, but he was telling them that if someone wanted to hit them a 2nd time, make them think about what they are doing. So many times when people become angry, they lash out verbally or physically, often without even thinking about it. If someone hits you suddenly, and you turn your other cheek towards them, they now have to think about it before hitting you again. What was at first a spontaneous, maybe uncontrolled action, now must become something thought-out. This is especially true if we consider that the left hand was usually used to strike (on the "right cheek") and for a second strike, the offender would have to use their non-dominant hand, making it a little more difficult for them and requiring them to be more conscious about it, and also taking more time to figure out how to strike with their right hand. This argues that Jesus was not advising his disciples to allow others to take advantage of them, but to make it more difficult for the offender to strike again, and maybe eliminating that second action.

As Luskin was preparing a research project at Stanford on Forgiveness, the way to get participants was to make it all about their health. How forgiving people will increase their longevity, lessen their stress levels, improve their complexion, help them lose weight... He thought it was so interesting that people were more concerned about their body than their soul. Maybe, even if we feel we are healthy and don't suffer from any health conditions, maybe we could still improve our capacity to forgive as a way to benefit our soul. Also, Luskin made a point that at times we get so caught up in being right, that being right is more important to us than grieving. For example, if we feel we have lost something (a friendship, a marriage, a possession, an investment, our image), we focus on the fact that we are right and they are wrong, instead of just working through the grief of our loss. If we allowed ourselves to grieve and heal, we wouldn't worry so much about who was right or wrong.

Another person at the lecture brought up the point that we have all done things we wish we hadn't. And we get angry sometimes at other people. But Jesus was clear about what to do: Love God, and love each other. No matter what other people do, we are still to love them. Spiritual writer Anne Lamott talks about the table of eternity in Heaven, and wonders who she will have to sit next to. With horror, she ponders, maybe George W.? She recognizes that he will be at the table as well. What if we had to sit between the 2 people we had the hardest time with? While some people immediately think, "That wouldn't be Heaven, then," I sort of get the idea that that's exactly where God would place us. Wouldn't He want us to evolve past our grudges and hurts, and forgive and love each person as another co-creation of God? God wants us to be the best, and that probably includes forgiving those around us before we can sit at the table. The idea makes me uncomfortable... It seems so much easier to just avoid the problems altogether. As Lamott says in one of her books, "Why couldn't Jesus command us to obsess over everything, to try to control and manipulate people, to stomp away to brood when people annoy us, and then eat a big bag of Hershey's Kisses in bed?" But the idea that God creates the seating chart does make me head more in the direction of forgiveness than righteous indignation.

One final thought. Can we forgive someone who doesn't acknowledge that they have offended us or hurt us in some way? What if they have passed on, or are no longer in our lives? Luskin said we can indeed forgive them, as the act of forgiveness doesn't lie with them, but within us. What do they have to do with what happens in our mind? We can choose to forgive at any moment, and in some ways, it has nothing to do with the other person. It is our experience, the unforgiveness or forgiveness in our hearts.