I've been thinking about God a lot lately... We are at a bit of a rough patch in our relationship, and that's okay. Sometimes relationships go through rough patches. But while thinking about God and about His role in my life, I was reminded of an amazing experience I had in January of this year. I felt God's presence in my life in a way that I'd never felt Him before; it was like He was physically... THERE. So present. And recalling this experience, I felt so much love and gratitude for Him. It is an important recollection for me to have, as it shows me that He is there no matter how I feel sometimes.
In late January, I was driving up to Vancouver, B.C., to visit my Persian buddies. I had just sent a weird email to a couple of friends about some things I was going through, and was not too happy about my decision to send it. On top of that, I was feeling bad about some other things, and was berating myself over all these real and perceived mistakes I had made. Vinnie was in the backseat and, being a typical dog and being sensitive to my feelings, could tell that I was really upset. He kept pacing back and forth, whining in my ear, trying to give me a kiss to comfort me, and he just couldn't seem to get settled. What was interesting was that his inability to settle down was what I had been feeling since I returned from my trip to Ethiopia. I kept stumbling, kept trying to get my footing, and just couldn't seem to do so.
Then suddenly, amidst all the negative self-talk, I said, "Stop. You are amazing." But here's the wonderful/surreal/fascinating part: I felt it was God speaking. It came from my mouth but the words were not from me. I had been so distraught up until that moment, and in a second, it was replaced by love, gentleness, and forgiveness. The words kept coming. "All you have to do is be loving and gentle and kind, to yourself and others. And stay with me." I was speaking but again, it felt like God talking, saying to me, "Stay with me, just stay with me." I felt something along the lines of, "What if it were just you and me (God)? No one else, just you and me? Would you be okay with that?" Before, on the drive, I was worried about friendships, family stuff, other people in my life. And during this calm moment, my brain kept wanting to go back to thinking about other people and how I was letting them down, but each time I would try to go back there, I heard, "Stay with me." Just a gentle reminder to think only of God right then. And then I realized that life could be great with just me and God, that He was the most important being, presence, in my life, and every other person was like a "bonus." People in my life were all gifts from God, like extra blessings beyond the blessing that God is. I suddenly felt so independent, so free, of everything. I was still conscious of the issues and challenges that had distressed me, but I felt okay with however things worked out. Every time I worried I would again hear, "Stay with me." I took it as my directive to mentally and spiritually stay close to God. This thought, this directive, continued for another 30 minutes. The words were so loving and gentle, clear, eloquent, not from me! Just a steady stream of everything I needed to hear.
Also during this time, I felt so warm. I'd been cold on the drive up, and even pretty cold since I'd returned from Ethiopia. It was a weird feeling, as I usually NEVER get cold. I just couldn't seem to warm up. But for those 30 minutes until I reached my destination, I felt so physically warm. And, another interesting thing happened: at one point I looked back and saw that Vinnie had settled down and was snoozing. My frantic voice had worried him, but once God started talking, he was fine.
I'd never had an experience like this before. It may have been a once in a lifetime experience, or maybe not. But whatever it was, I am so grateful. And now, when God and I are talking and I'm trying to learn more about Him, and to see where our relationship goes from here, recalling this experience helps me feel so close to Him.
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