Limitless Love

Limitless love... The term is similar to unconditional love or unlimited love, 2 other terms which make me think of God's love for us. "Unconditional love" makes me think of a love that endures and continues, no matter what. "Unlimited love" makes me think of love that never ends, that draws from a deep well, a never-ending source. However, with the word "limitless," I get more of a sense of love that transcends the ordinary limits, or walls, that we may place around ourselves or around our love for others. And this type of love has been on my mind lately.

Recently I have been thinking about one of my Persian friends. At some point early on in our friendship, she invited me into her family and said that I was like a daughter to her. And she knew I already had a mom; of course she knew that. My mom was actually the most important thing to her in her relationship with me. She would always ask about her, ask how my mom was doing, always send her love... But she knew, as many people know, that you can never have too much love in your life. And one love (like a person), does not replace, or diminish, another love (or person).

The limitless way she loved me, "adopting" me into her family and loving me as her daughter, was so life-changing for me. I had never seen love like that, love that went beyond the ordinary societal definitions of family. It expanded my perspective on families and connections and love. I had seen examples of it in books and movies (The Secret Life of Bees, Maniac Magee, Precious, You Bet Your Life, The Blind Side), and somehow, even as a young girl, the idea of an extended definition of family touched a remote place in my heart. Those were the stories I always liked. I still like, actually.

Our interactions and conversations in the community were kind of funny sometimes. When we were at the store or at an event, she would always introduce me as her "younger daughter." People would give her a surprised look, looking from her to me and back again. She would just smile, hardly ever offering an explanation. But it didn't matter; soon everyone knew me as her daughter, and would even refer to me that way. And once they all believed it, I started to believe it too. I sort of settled into the role, and knew that while I had my biological family, I also had this second, this Persian, family. This was like my bonus family, and she became my bonus mom. And, as I said above, you can never have too much love. Or too many bonus moms, for that matter. The most basic definition of a "mom" is someone who loves and cares and protects... and even, as mentioned above, loves unconditionally, unlimitedly, and limitlessly. Who can have too much of that?

Recently, at a Persian/Afghani wedding ceremony, I was looking around me and noticed that many of our college friends had gone home for the night. Those that remained were Persians and Afghanis. And I felt right at home. I thought to myself, "How did I get to this point, where I can be in a room with hundreds of Persians and Afghanis and feel like I belong?" It was a surreal moment for me. And a bit comical, because sometimes life is just so strange and wonderful.

Jesus had an interesting comment about family members. "And the multitude sat about him, and they said unto him, Behold, thy mother and thy brethren without seek for thee. And he answered them, saying, Who is my mother, or my brethren? And he looked round about on them which sat about him, and said, Behold my mother and my brethren! For whosoever shall do the will of God, the same is my brother, and my sister, and mother" (Mark 3:32-35). His view of family was a lot broader than what was considered the societal norm of the day. Jesus recognized the expanded definition of "family," and functioned under that definition as he preached the gospel with his disciples and followers.

Our love for people can certainly expand beyond our immediate or extended family... beyond our circle of friends, beyond people from our same culture or ethnic background or economic background. This became clear to me when one day, early in our friendship, she sent me a short email. Just long enough to include, "We never had a similar experience before. You made me to think in a broader horizon regarding people in other cultures. I never thought I could be so close and happy with someone who doesn't share the same culture yet so sensitive and full of beautiful feelings that made a difference in the meaning of the word 'relationship.'"
It was at that moment that I knew I was special to her; it wasn't just Persian "tarof" (politeness) or just words... it was how she actually felt. And this connection with her changed my life. I know it changed hers, too; she wasn't shy about telling me that, and each time she did, I felt such a warmth around me, like a big hug.

I have had so much love in my life. From family members, from friends, acquaintances, coworkers, people in my community, strangers... And with each person in my life, each experience of love, I feel God's presence. And I feel so blessed.

In my life, I hope to love like this, limitlessly, unconditionally, unlimitedly. Jesus was all about love, and if we can live and love even close to that manner, I think we are on the right track. Love love love. "And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love" (1 Cor. 13:13).

Gratitude during an unexpected time

I am so grateful for so many things. And for some reason, it seems that this year has been so full of gratitude, more than any other year of my life. What is so special about this year? I have a theory.

So, 2012 has been the most difficult year of my life. Physically, mentally, financially, spiritually... It's certainly been interesting, if not at times overwhelming, frustrating, scary, and uncomfortable. Not sure why so many things seem out of alignment this year, all at once. But I'll get it all figured out, little by little. Also, that's not the point of this post. The point is that, while this has been the worst year of my life in many ways, it has also somehow been the best year of my life. How does that even make any sense? The WORST year somehow is also the BEST year? Read on and maybe I can explain.

Obviously, there have been some wonderful things that have happened this year. Ethiopia stuff. New jobs. Skydiving. Best Seattle Summer Ever. Teaching my little sister how to drive. Beaches. Road trips. My older sister's wedding. Starting to paint. Discovering music again, after a bit of an absence. Getting some articles published. Connecting with new and long-term friends. Connecting with family... The list is endless.  And then there are the things that are less obvious: feeling so much love from people. More importantly, feeling love FOR people. The generosity (of time, money, energy, resources, ideas) of friends and family. Phone calls that come just when I need them. Uplifting texts or emails. A smile, gentle word, or hug. Feeling God's presence so strongly, almost tangibly. The compassion in my life. The laughter. The rainbows-and-balloons feeling, when I feel so elated that I might just float away.

But that's not why it has been the best year. It's not about the "good things" that have happened; and anyway, I believe that it is not what happens to us but how we react to and process what happens. It's been the BEST YEAR because of this amazing cloud of gratitude that I've been floating on for months now. I don't remember ever feeling as much gratitude as I have felt this year; it's like I'm super sensitive to anything good that happens, and my "gratitude sensor" is on overdrive. Before, I don't think I had so much gratitude for all the love in my life, or all the instances of friendship and kindness and generosity that were expressed. No matter what is happening from day to day, I can always think about something good from that day, or from earlier that month or year, and feel all of the gratitude all over again. And gratitude, by its inherent nature, is a double gift anyway; the actual gift from God or a friend or family member, and then the gratitude for the gift, which feels like a warm blanket wrapping us up in love.

Sometimes I wonder if there is a correlation between all of the challenges and all of the gratitude from this year. It can't just be a coincidence. This makes me think of a bible verse about trials: "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds" (James 1:2). I haven't been grateful for the challenges, but somehow the trials seem to make me more grateful in how I view life. When we are at our lowest, we are more vulnerable; maybe this also means we are more able to recognize the good that is present, because it is a like a light in a tunnel of darkness. Let's look at an analogy here: If I am walking outside on a sunny day, and someone hands me a flashlight, I might not recognize the benefit of this flashlight. But if it is dark and I am walking through the forest, bumping into things and tripping and falling into pits and ravines, the flashlight makes such a huge difference. At that point, the flashlight can be life-saving. It is so appreciated, can mean the difference between life or death, and when it is given with love, it just changes the way we perceive our whole experience. Suddenly things don't seem nearly as daunting, and we can move forward when before we felt like we were stuck. It's not that the flashlight on a sunny day was somehow less of a flashlight than the one on a dark evening, but the receiver is so much more grateful for it when they are in the darkness. Likewise in my life, every good thing, kind gesture, generous action, even light-hearted conversation or invitation to get ice cream, has made such a difference this year. I cannot even express how much of a difference it has made. And maybe, if I hadn't gone through these trials, I wouldn't have been as attentive to all of the good in my life that was happening at the exact same time. In some cases, the bad times drew out the blessings; not that I would ever choose to do this all again, but even in the worst times, there was always a silver lining. Something positive that happened, a kind word from a friend, a door opening, a card, a hug, a number of different things that touched my heart.

One final point. The 2 sides of the coin of this year, the best and the worst, don't cancel each other out. I'm not saying, "The good and the bad come together and equal a perfect medium." No. There are some challenging issues that need to be resolved, because I am not going to accept them as a part of my life any longer. They are not following me into 2013, or even November, if I can help it. But also, the goodness that has happened this year in my life cannot be diminished, or become part of the "average" of the best and the worst. The best things can't be considered less because of worse things. So despite all the challenges, or maybe even because of them, I am so grateful for 2012. Best Year Ever.

In summary, I am so incredibly grateful for all of the good and the love and the grace in my life. And to my friends and family, thank you for being such amazing gifts in my life.

Failure vs. Victory

In a couple of my blog posts from August (The God Bank and My Conversation with God), I mentioned some recent challenges I've been having in my relationship with God.  There's some confusion there, some doubts, and even something that feels a little like anger. And along with these thoughts and feelings, I've also been dealing with the suggestion that I've failed; failed in my faith, in my religion, in my connection with God. I ask myself, Why don't I have more faith? Why do I sometimes wonder where God is? Why can't I fix these problems using my religion? It's hard feeling like I'm failing time and time again, first because of the challenges I've stumbled into, and second, because I have some potential solutions in front of me and still can't seem to get results. However, instead of seeing these as failures, maybe there's another way to look at what's happening. 

A few months ago, I was listening to a radio show on faith and victory. The speaker, Channing Walker,  was talking about Jesus and how we can have faith in his teachings. He was also talking about Peter, when he was in a boat with the other disciples when the wind and waves started causing the boat to thrash about.  The disciples called for help, and so Jesus walked on the water and quieted the storm. Peter, seeing Jesus walking on the water, went out to join him. 

"And when Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus. But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me" (Matthew 14:29-30). 

At this point, we can think any number of things of Peter : Was he brave? Was he a coward? Why did he want to join Jesus on the water? Why did he doubt? 

What Channing Walker suggested was that Peter's actions signified more of a victory than a failure. He showed faith and courage when he stepped out of the boat, so much so that he was able to walk on water. Yes, he started sinking when he looked at the waves and the wind and all that was going on around him, but he made that first step of faith. He did something that the other disciples did not even attempt, and in that moment he was victorious. Can you even imagine how much faith it must have taken to be able to walk on water, even for just a couple of seconds? 

I feel that many times, God wants us to try; even if we're scared, even if we don't know what the outcome will be, we can still TRY. And because Jesus reached out his hand when Peter started sinking, we can expect  the same kind of support when we need it. God is love, and He responds to our needs with love. 

When I feel a lack of faith or trust in God, I find it extremely helpful to think about Peter's experience. I also think about moments in my own walk with God, times when I trusted Him and trusted what He was doing in my life, no matter how daunting the waves and the storm seemed to be at the time. And each time, God was there, reaching out His hand to keep me from sinking. 

"He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters" (2 Samuel 22:17).

And in these times of doubt, I try to see each step forward as victorious. Even if they are small, mere baby steps. Even if it's 1 step forward, 2 steps backward. Even if I sink a little bit before calling out to God to save me. And these are all still victories... because I'm trying. I'm not just sitting in the boat, looking at the waves and giving up. I'm trying to get closer to Jesus, trying to walk out to him. To me, any step that gets me closer to God, anything that moves me forward, is not failing. 

Truth and lies - Being mistaken for Russian

When I worked at the college a few years ago, one of my fellow teachers asked me if I spoke Russian. I answered, "No, I speak Spanish," thinking that she simply mistook the 2 languages when we were learning about each other's educational backgrounds. 

Some time later, she asked me why I didn't speak Russian. I looked at her a bit funny, and told her that I decided to study Spanish instead. She then asked, "Why didn't your parents make sure you learned Russian? Didn't you speak it in the house growing up?" I looked at her even more strangely, and told her my parents didn't speak any other languages; they were born in the United States, their parents were born in the United States, and past that... Well, Norway and Wales. Not Russia. 

She started laughing. "Oh! I've always thought you were Russian. You LOOK Russian. I just assumed. I couldn't understand why you didn't SPEAK Russian." Needless to say, I started laughing as well, and 6 years later, we still laugh about that story. 

This story reminds me of the times that I get stuck. Sometimes I assume something to be true, or I get so caught up in a lie, that it affects my own grasp of what is real and true and based in reality. Whether it's a lie about myself that I've been told or that I have come up with on my own, or a misguided opinion about someone else that affects the way I think about them or treat them, or something that I just tell myself is true without checking the facts to be true (like ice cream is good for me because it contains calcium)... These are not truths, but when we take them as true, they affect our thoughts and behaviours.

I had a couple of teachers in high school who helped me deal with some issues I was having outside of school.  And both of them stood up to the lies I was facing in my life. One teacher told me, "That isn't right. That's not ok." What I'd gotten used to as normal actually wasn't normal. He helped me take another look at my skewed view of an aspect of my life, and see it for what it really was, the reality of the situation. The other teacher kept telling me, "You gotta call a spade a spade." She was very clear about not twisting the truth of the matter. Just grab it, the truth or the reality or the facts, and call it like I see it. Both of these people were amazingly helpful as I was navigating this particular aspect of my life. 

Now, when I get caught up in negative self-talk, or a particularly tempting lie about myself or someone else, or a lie or bit of ignorance about God, it's helpful to remember the experience with my friend. I recall the certainty she seemed to feel about my Russian heritage, without even knowing the facts. I also clearly remember her disdain, condescension even, that my parents had let the Russian language slip through my language study and acquisition. She had created this whole story about me that was not based in truth at all. But once she discovered the truth, the lie seemed so funny, so ridiculous, and she was able to see that it had no foundation. 

I hope that as I continue on my journey to discover the truth, about myself, the people around me, but most importantly, about God, that I will strive to believe things that are secure, sitting on a strong foundation. Everything else is just smoke and mirrors, a blatant lie, and at best, a comical misunderstanding. Instead, I want to have a foundation that has no fallacies; one that is strong and steady, and based on the true ideas that I can see reflected all around me. If I fill up with good, with truth, there will be no room for anything else. 

The God Bank - When God doesn't seem to return your calls

Lately I've been feeling like God hasn't been returning my calls. I need help, I reach out to Him, and it seems I am just getting His answering machine again and again. I don't understand what's going on. (Maybe He texts these days and doesn't take personal calls?? Maybe He uses Skype?) It's frustrating, and sometimes I feel like He has abandoned me. I feel like David when he says, "How long, O Lord? Will you forget me for ever? How long will you hide your face from me?" (Ps. 13:1). Where is He sometimes??!

It's not like I need Him to answer "Yes" to every question I ask Him. I don't want to be a spoiled kid who gets everything I ask for; mainly because God is smarter than I am and I trust His judgment and His course of action. I know that everything is in His control and that He has knowledge about things that I don't, and couldn't, have. That's okay. The problem I'm having is when He doesn't seem to answer at all. I ask Him questions, and He just doesn't answer, not in the affirmative or in the negative. It's hard to feel like He just doesn't have time to give me an answer. It's hard to feel like he He created me, put me in the world, country, city, family, job, house, situation that I am in, and then just left me to figure things out on my own. If He is indeed my Father, that would make me His daughter, and sometimes children have questions that they need their parents to answer! I feel like saying sometimes, "Don't just leave me hanging here! I know You know the answer! I know You could put my mind at ease in half a second!"

But I obviously don't know all the answers, and thus, I don't know why it sometimes seems like He's distant. He's probably not; I'm guessing it's just my perception or just the fact that I am distancing myself from Him, not the other way around. I just don't know.

During these times of frustration or seeming distance from God, I find it helpful to remember the instances in my life where God felt really present... Times where I could feel Him next to me, in the same room, closer than my breath. And I've saved these moments in a special file in my brain, to recall when I need them the most. This file is my "God Bank." I save up these God-filled moments for a rainy day, for when I really need that extra encouragement, that extra sense of His presence. When I feel lost or sad or hopeless and can't seem to get an answer from God, I go to the God Bank and make a withdrawal. Sometimes I even take out more than I actually have in the bank; but the good thing about the God Bank is that there are no overdraft fees. I am not going to get penalized for taking out a little extra faith or hope that I need to get through the day. Sometimes, on the particularly frustrating days, I feel like my relationship with God can be summed up with the following statement: "Fake it 'til you make it." Sometimes I just don't have the faith that I think I should have, or that I know I would have if things were just a little bit easier. But again, knowing that I don't know everything, I put the trust that I do have in God on the table, and fake the rest of it until it's there in earnest.

I can't count the number of times I've been given a great sum of God money that I then go and deposit at the God Bank. There have been so many days in my life, decades' worth of days, where I have been a millionaire - - heck, a billionaire, a gazillionaire - - with God currency. These were the days when I really felt God was there, protecting me, loving me, hanging out with me like a friend. These have been the great "paydays" of my life.

I have been so blessed... I think about the day my little sister was born. My family. The day I met my Persian friends. The day I started working at Hopelink and the shower of blessings that that connection brought to my life, in terms of people and friendships and experiences. Vinnie. My wonderful, amazing, funny, adorable, life-changing friends. The days when I feel really low, and suddenly get 3 unexpected phone calls from friends, a card in the mail, and a package on my doorstep. THIS IS NOT JUST A COINCIDENCE. This is God. This is God's presence and love and protection in my life. The teachers in my life that have been my mentors, my support system, my friends. My church, and the churches that I visit from time to time. The people in those churches. Nature. Animals. Clouds. Sunsets and sunrises. Ice cream. A friend's laughter. The days I suddenly feel a sense of comfort and peace that can only be explained by God's presence. These are the big paydays, and I am so grateful to be able to tuck these experiences away and be able to access them whenever I want to.

No accidents

Four years ago, I had an amazing experience. It was the only time in my life where I'd ever thought, for an instant, that I was going to die right then. And the intense joy that I felt when I realized I was still alive was pretty magical.

I was driving to Canada to spend a 4-day weekend with my friend for her birthday. I took a couple of days off of work because, in a sense, this birthday seemed important. Her mom had just passed away a few months earlier; this was the first birthday she would be celebrating without her mom there. Thus, we weren't really going to "celebrate," but rather just have some quality time together.

Even though it was August, we were experiencing a downpour. As much as I think Seattle drivers should be used to the rain, it was still backing up traffic and causing some pretty precarious situations on the road.

As I was driving, I suddenly saw brake lights in front of me, a lot closer than was comfortable with. I quickly slammed on my brakes and was quite relieved when I stopped a foot or two behind the car in front of me. Out of habit, I checked my review mirror, only to see a silver Ford F-350 careening towards me, showing no sign of slowing down. My hands grasped the wheel and I braced myself for the impact.

The next thing I heard was a horrible scrunching sound as the truck crashed into the trunk of my car, and I felt myself lurching forward, still in my seat but suddenly out of control. My car, a much smaller Toyota Camry, jolted forward at such an alarming speed that all I could think of was, "This is it. I think I am going to die." 

What happened next was amazing. I still can't explain it, except that it makes me think that God was totally present and guiding my car. All I remember was that I hung on to the steering wheel as my body thrashed around inside the thrown car from the impact. When my car finally stopped moving, I was 3 lanes over, slammed up against the cement barrier of I-5, facing the opposite direction than I had been 10 seconds earlier. I was thankfully over on the shoulder of the freeway, out of on-coming traffic and out of harm's way.

As soon as my car shuddered to a stop, I jumped out. I was a little disoriented, but at that second, I was so, soooo incredibly happy. I was alive! I have no idea what happened, or how my car didn't hit another car as it somehow wove its way through 3 additional lanes of rush-hour traffic, but somehow it didn't and somehow I was alive. A sense of pure joy washed over me as I walked a few steps, paying special attention to the amazing, “being”, living existence of my legs and the feel of the pavement below my feet. My back seemed a bit twisted and out of whack, and there was some tension in my neck, but all in all I felt great. I was on "this side" of life and death.

I stopped my jumping around and looked at the F-350 that had gone through several more vehicles, hitting the car that had been in front of mine, and starting a chain reaction that didn't stop until 4 more cars had been damaged. I looked at all the other cars that were surrounding the mess; all stopped, all just seemingly waiting. I imagined the cars in the other lanes were stopped not because their drivers slammed on the brakes, but out of sympathy for a fellow car. My battered Camry sat dejectedly, beaten, on the side of the highway. I quickly walked to the back of my car and inspected the damage.

And only then did I remember the scrapbook. The beautiful piece of art, the detailed pages, the family pictures that were included... the surprise scrapbook that Ati had started to make for her daughter before she passed away. Before Ati passed, she asked me if I could help her with some of the pages; get some notes from her daughter's friends, collect pictures that could be included, etc. I had tried to do so and had made some progress, and the pages that I had finished, along with all of Ati's pages, were in a big container in my trunk. And when I walked back to the trunk, I saw that these things, these pieces of art from both Ati and the things I had put together, had been destroyed. My trunk had been completely smashed in. Actually, I didn't have a "trunk" to speak of anymore; the end of my car was now the backseat. The trunk had just disappeared. The scrapbook pages were now covered in Seattle rain, and in the pomegranate wine that I was bringing up to Canada. The bottle had been smashed into 1,000 pieces by the impact. My heart dropped.

But then, for a moment, I thought of Ati and how her scrapbook pages were in between the truck and myself. Obviously not a physical barrier, but more of a symbolic one. The scrapbook had been made with love, and I felt so much love in that moment. For Ati, from Ati, for my friend... And I really felt that Ati was with me right then. I was so grateful to be alive, and so grateful for God, and it was again an amazing, wonderful moment.

A few minutes later I called another friend, and when she heard what had happened, she said, with such conviction but also with such tenderness, "You are in God's pocket. You are right there, safe and protected." She quoted some scripture to me, and I felt such a sense of peace and security. We talked for a bit more, and I just kept feeling so grateful that I was alive and well. And I was so grateful for this friend, not only for her love that was embracing me over the phone, but also because she was able to give me a spiritual perspective on what had just happened. I felt so incredibly blessed, and so grateful that NO ONE, not me or the driver of the truck or the occupants of the other cars or anybody in the other lanes of I-5, had been seriously injured. We had all been protected, safe and secure.

When I finally arrived to Vancouver, B.C., that night (my friend and her father came to pick me up), I was again surrounded by such a feeling of love, from my friend and her father and from God. And later, when I sheepishly gave my friend her birthday card that had been splattered with wine and rain, she looked at it and smiled the biggest smile I'd ever seen.

“I love this card,” she said as she took it from me. She hadn’t even opened it yet, but her smile remained. “This card is from you, and every time I look at it, I will be reminded that you are okay. I will keep it forever.”

I slept really well that night, thinking of God's protection, feeling the love from my family and friends, and knowing that this day had been such a gift in so many ways.

My conversation with God

I've been thinking about God a lot lately... We are at a bit of a rough patch in our relationship, and that's okay. Sometimes relationships go through rough patches. But while thinking about God and about His role in my life, I was reminded of an amazing experience I had in January of this year. I felt God's presence in my life in a way that I'd never felt Him before; it was like He was physically... THERE. So present. And recalling this experience, I felt so much love and gratitude for Him. It is an important recollection for me to have, as it shows me that He is there no matter how I feel sometimes.

In late January, I was driving up to Vancouver, B.C., to visit my Persian buddies. I had just sent a weird email to a couple of friends about some things I was going through, and was not too happy about my decision to send it. On top of that, I was feeling bad about some other things, and was berating myself over all these real and perceived mistakes I had made. Vinnie was in the backseat and, being a typical dog and being sensitive to my feelings, could tell that I was really upset. He kept pacing back and forth, whining in my ear, trying to give me a kiss to comfort me, and he just couldn't seem to get settled. What was interesting was that his inability to settle down was what I had been feeling since I returned from my trip to Ethiopia. I kept stumbling, kept trying to get my footing, and just couldn't seem to do so.

Then suddenly, amidst all the negative self-talk, I said, "Stop. You are amazing." But here's the wonderful/surreal/fascinating part: I felt it was God speaking. It came from my mouth but the words were not from me. I had been so distraught up until that moment, and in a second, it was replaced by love, gentleness, and forgiveness. The words kept coming. "All you have to do is be loving and gentle and kind, to yourself and others. And stay with me." I was speaking but again, it felt like God talking, saying to me, "Stay with me, just stay with me." I felt something along the lines of, "What if it were just you and me (God)? No one else, just you and me? Would you be okay with that?" Before, on the drive, I was worried about friendships, family stuff, other people in my life. And during this calm moment, my brain kept wanting to go back to thinking about other people and how I was letting them down, but each time I would try to go back there, I heard, "Stay with me." Just a gentle reminder to think only of God right then. And then I realized that life could be great with just me and God, that He was the most important being, presence, in my life, and every other person was like a "bonus." People in my life were all gifts from God, like extra blessings beyond the blessing that God is. I suddenly felt so independent, so free, of everything. I was still conscious of the issues and challenges that had distressed me, but I felt okay with however things worked out. Every time I worried I would again hear, "Stay with me." I took it as my directive to mentally and spiritually stay close to God. This thought, this directive, continued for another 30 minutes. The words were so loving and gentle, clear, eloquent, not from me! Just a steady stream of everything I needed to hear.

Also during this time, I felt so warm. I'd been cold on the drive up, and even pretty cold since I'd returned from Ethiopia. It was a weird feeling, as I usually NEVER get cold. I just couldn't seem to warm up. But for those 30 minutes until I reached my destination, I felt so physically warm. And, another interesting thing happened: at one point I looked back and saw that Vinnie had settled down and was snoozing. My frantic voice had worried him, but once God started talking, he was fine.

I'd never had an experience like this before. It may have been a once in a lifetime experience, or maybe not. But whatever it was, I am so grateful. And now, when God and I are talking and I'm trying to learn more about Him, and to see where our relationship goes from here, recalling this experience helps me feel so close to Him.