I want to be perfect, all the time. Say the perfect things, do everything perfectly. I think a lot of us would like to be perfect and never make another mistake again. But of course, doing and saying everything perfectly is an impossible expectation.
I think my particular focus on perfectionism comes from being a Type A person, being the 1st born in my family, being anxious, and having 25 years of OCD under my belt. And OCD is like perfection on steroids, and then multiplied by 100. Just as an example, when I was about 6 years old, I became obsessed with perfection. I wasn't sure what was going on at the time, but there was a definite shift in things, and suddenly perfection became my life. I had to do things over and over again until I got it right. Writing, playing sports, getting dressed... One morning, I was particularly anxious, and had to put my shoes on 17 times in a row. Each time I did it, I didn't tie the knot perfectly, or the tongue was bunched up, or whatever. And because the whole process had to be perfect, I had to take both shoes off and start again from the beginning. About 20 minutes later, when I finally felt okay with the process, I was in tears. Frustrating. This same focus on perfection exists in my life today (although not with shoes, but other manifestations). It's a ridiculous part of my life.
While the OCD perfection is an anomaly, it did set the stage of my life of always trying to be meticulously perfect. And whether or not your particular drive to be perfect is as extreme, most of us experience the day-to-day pressures we put on ourselves to be perfect, to live up to the standard we've set. I wonder why there is such a focus on being perfect. In this society, in our families, amongst our friends. We all know we make mistakes. We all know that for the most part, we have the best intentions. Why do we set such impossible expectations for ourselves and others? Not only do we expect ourselves to be perfect, but we also demand perfection from those around us.
At the core of our being, we are all trying our best in this life, trying to love and be loved the best we can. Sometimes we mess up; we can be pushy, or rude, or be needy sometimes. We have miscommunications with people, we can be oblivious to their needs, we can be careless or thoughtless, or we can follow our egos and make a mess of things. There are so many ways to make mistakes, regardless of our good intentions. But maybe that's okay. A friend once told me, "If we were all perfect, what would be the purpose of being here?" I think there is a purpose to this life, and that purpose, in my opinion, is to become the best versions of ourselves. Our highest self, the one who loves and gives and comforts and spreads joy, who forgives and is always kind. Who reacts to friends' offenses with a smile and a hug, and a reminder that they are loved. I see these qualities and characteristics in my friends and family members very frequently, and every once in a while I see myself reflecting these qualities. But no one is there yet; we all have days where we could have done things so much better.
I can think of 2 things that are important when dealing with our own and others' imperfections: The first is to forgive ourselves when we make mistakes. There is no point in beating ourselves up for things that we wish we would have done differently. There is no point in living with the shame that we hang onto over mistakes we've made. If we learn something from a mistake, we probably won't make that same mistake again. And if we do make that mistake again, maybe it's something that needs a bit more time and effort to remedy. And maybe it needs more love and compassion. Whenever I'm not being my highest self, whenever I am panicked or start to shut down with a friend, that behavior comes from a place of pain. Maybe not even reasonable pain, but it is a response out of fear, and fear is rarely reasonable. And when that friend reacts with love, gives me a hug, says something kind and gentle, it turns the situation around. We are all trying our best, remember? Reminds me of lyrics from an Oasis song. "Someday you will find me. How many special people change?" The real me is there, sometimes covered by a defense mechanism or a wall or a fit of panic. But I'm under there, and always trying to grow and progress and change into a person who does not put up walls so quickly. Who does not shut down at the first feeling of vulnerability.
The 2nd thing is to assume the best from our friends. Whatever they do, whatever they say, assume the best intentions. That's usually what they are trying to convey anyway, and it is our own background noise that sometimes gets in the way of hearing the truth. It goes the other way, too. If our friends assume the best intentions from us, a lot of miscommunications and misunderstandings can be avoided. How many times do we assume something about a friend, and later find out that our assumptions were totally off? When I was in high school I sent an email to someone at the beginning of the summer, and never heard back. The entire summer I thought he didn't like me, that I was "too much," that I had somehow crossed the line. When I went to talk with him when school resumed, it turned out he had never even gotten the email. I had assumed something for months that wasn't even true. We had a good conversation and have been great friends ever since.
Brene Brown, researcher and TED speaker extraordinaire, gives a great talk on shame vs. guilt. "Shame drives 2 big tapes: 'Never good enough,' and if you can talk it out of that one, 'Who do you think you are?' Shame is not guilt. Shame is, 'I am bad.' Guilt is, 'I did something bad.' Guilt: 'I'm sorry, I made a mistake.' Shame: 'I'm sorry, I am a mistake.'" It's interesting how we can make a mistake and then paint our entire existence as the mistake. Like we are sorry for what we did, but so sorry that we apologize for existing.
At some point, we have to let go of the shame of our mistakes. We have to move on, and not cling to the impossible ideal of perfectionism. We are going to make mistakes in this life, and as long as we are trying our best, that's okay. We are all amazing beings, and sometimes the best parts of ourselves get hidden beneath all of this shame and criticism, both self-criticism and criticism from others. If we continually focus on the areas of our lives where we are our highest selves, we will be so overcome with love for ourselves that it will lift us up. Loving ourselves, and loving others, seems to be the solution to most problems. And, when you are so full of love and gratitude for yourself and for others, no negative feelings have a space to be there.
Here's to always knowing that, no matter what we do or say or feel, we are amazing. That is our core, that is our identity. We shine.
