Friday, December 6, 2013

We are worthy

When I was younger, I got this idea in my head that I didn't have anything important to say. And the way that this thought manifested was that I wouldn't talk much; in class, with my friends, in public. And when I did talk, I made sure to speak very quickly so as not to waste people's time. It was weird; I clearly remember my 6-year old self going through this thought process. I still don't talk a lot, at work or in social gatherings. Sometimes, if I spend a bit of time talking with a friend, I will say, "Thank you for the talking time. I really appreciate it." I finally had one friend say, "You don't have to thank me! We're friends; friends talk. It's not this great burden to spend time with you." What a concept!



Looking over some of my journals, even current ones, I see that I mostly write about the interactions I had that day, and how they made me feel worthy. What people said to me that day, what they did that touched my heart... Why do I write about these things, instead of world events, or my struggles or successes, or thoughts about life? Time and time again, I see that all I've really written are the wonderful but daily, routine examples of people loving me. It's like I'm somehow still trying to convince myself that I am worthy. When really, I don't need any evidence; I am worthy because God made me, and why would He waste time on making something or someone that wasn't extraordinary?

Recently, in the past couple of months, I've had some challenges and difficulties that I can very easily attribute to this fallacious thinking of personal unworthiness. I can recall times in my life where I felt incredibly unworthy. Like I didn't matter, like I wasn't worth spending time with, and that I was really just garbage and had been cast off to the side. Where these thoughts came from doesn't really matter, but what matters is how I approach them now and try to change them into what is true, and grasp my own innate worthiness. Because not only does the harmful thinking affect me, it affects the people around me, the people I have relationships with. And if I enter into a friendship or partnership with the thinking that I am always unworthy, and spend the entire friendship trying to prove my worthiness, or conversely, looking for ways that people seem to also be saying, "You're unworthy" and thus prove the conclusion I've already come to, then that's a waste. A waste of time, energy, and irreplaceable moments that could be spent embracing our own worthiness and the worthiness of the person we are with. A waste of the gift of the relationship that has been given to me.

All of us are extraordinary, and incredibly worthy. Worthy of love, worthy of time, worthy of each other, and worthy of God's love. No matter what; no matter what we've done, what we've been through, or how we feel about ourselves.

A few years ago, my friend and Christian Science lecturer Marta Greenwood gave a great analogy to demonstrate our worth. She started by taking a $20 bill out of her pocket, and asking who in the audience would like it. Many people raised their hands. Then she rolled it into a ball, threw it on the ground, stomped on it, smashed it below her feet. She picked it up again and told people how dirty it was now. Did anyone still want it? Of course! The worth of the bill hadn't changed; it was still worth just as much as it was before she stomped on it, before it became messy. And Marta explained how our worth was like that. No matter what we had been through, or how the world affected us, we were still just as worthy, being children of God.

Brene Brown, an amazing researcher and speaker, gives a great TED talk where she addresses our worth. She talks about vulnerability, and how a feeling of worthiness as being the tipping point for feeling loved and a sense of belonging. And the inverse is also true: how, if we don't feel worthwhile, we often struggle with feeling loved or like we belong. (Also, I just found out if you type "worthiness" into Google, she is the 4th result to turn up.)

How can we feel worthy when all we can see are our mistakes? Can we get passed what the world may want to say to us, and realize that we are indeed God's amazing creations? No matter what we were told as children, or what people tell us as we grow up, it is our responsibility as adults to reject anything in our thoughts or actions that contradicts that we are God's masterpieces. I need to reject the idea that I am unworthy, and unlovable and unloved. During the past couple months, I heard "Landslide," by Fleetwood Mac a few times, and one of the lines really spoke to me: "Can the child within my heart rise above?" What great self-talk. No matter what the band meant by the lyrics, to me it was a directive to cast off any thought or outdated view that was untrue and did not respect myself as God's. Because I am His. And I can rise above any of the garbage that was told to me, because it's not true.

This all reminds me of the parable of the wineskins in the bible. Casting off the old for the new. Having a newer, better way of thinking about our reality, our identity, our relationship with God. How the old wineskins (our old way of thinking) couldn't hold the new wine (the new truth, the new grace). "Neither do people pour new wine into old wineskins. If they do, the skins will burst; the wine will run out and the wineskins will be ruined. No, they pour new wine into new wineskins, and both are preserved" (Matthew 9:17). When faced with the foolishness of something we have always believed to be true (in this case, my unworthiness), it requires a new way of thinking, a new way of doing things. I talked about this more in a previous blog post called "Fixing the Pecan Pie."

And no matter how hard it may be to radically change our way of thinking, as we all know that the prime age for learning long-lasting beliefs is in our childhood, we can succeed. As e.e. cummings said, "It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are." But if we have anything, it's courage. And God. That's all we need.