Some of the best advice I've gotten.
For me, coming out as gay was a spiritual experience. While
my friend (of the quote, above) and I were talking, I had a revelation: God
loved me, no matter what. I had always heard, in church and in bible studies, that
God loved us, Jesus loved us, but I wasn’t sure if He loved me. I had felt, known really, that I was
gay ever since I was 5 years old, the same age where I was cognizant of a
relationship with God, and started learning about Christianity and its
importance in my life. Yet every church I had ever been to had told me that
being gay was a sin. See a problem here?
There is still a lot of controversy regarding religion and
homosexuality. There probably will be for quite some time, maybe forever. But my
friend’s advice rings true; whatever we do, whoever we are, we should always
include God. Most of the work has been done for us; God is already there, already included, as He is omnipresent. How could He not
be somewhere, especially in a loving relationship? It is our job to embrace that and make sure He is at the forefront of our thoughts and actions.
When I was 18, a dear friend gave me a ride home from our bible
study. On the way there, I tentatively voiced the idea that I didn’t think that
being gay was wrong. What I was really doing was testing the waters, seeing if
she would still be my friend if I “came out” to her. She gently told me that
she thought that it was a sin, and that God intended men to be with women and
not with other men, or women with women. We talked for a few more minutes, but I
was crushed; I hadn’t told her outright that I was gay, but if she had given me
a different answer, that was going to be the next thing out of my mouth. And I so
desperately wanted to confide in someone.
Two years later, at age 20, I was really questioning my
life. I had tried dating men, hadn’t had any luck, and it always felt so fake,
like I was living a lie every time I went on a date with a guy. But I thought that
was the lie that I had to live, the role I had to play. Let’s try an
experiment: For a second, imagine that you are asked (by your family, your
fellow church members, your society) to date/kiss/marry a person of the gender
that you are not naturally drawn to. Could you do it for a minute? For a month?
A year, a lifetime? This was the future that I saw ahead of me, having to fit
into a box that was just so unnatural and uncomfortable for me. I saw that I could either be gay, or be Christian, but I could not be both.
Fast forward 8 more years and a few more failed dating
adventures with men. I finally reached a point of desperation. I called an
out-of-town friend, one of the most spiritual, kind, loving, Christian people I
know, to “confess” that I was gay. I was sure she was going to hate me. I even
told her, before coming out to her, that she may never want to talk with me
again. I stuttered and hemmed and hawed in my attempt to tell her, not able to
get the words out.
“What is it? Just tell me.”
“Well, um, I, like,--”
And by some miracle, she misinterpreted my speech filler, “like”,
(“I, like, went to the park”) as a verb, as in “I like ice cream.” One of the
greatest moments of miscommunication in my life, as I didn't have to say the very word that I was scared of saying.
“You like women, you don’t like men, you are gay. Is this
what you are trying to tell me?”
“Well… yes.”
“Well, that’s okay. That’s perfectly lovely! No big deal.
You really had me worried!” Laughter. And that was that, the big scary moment
that really wasn’t scary at all.
And then she proceeded to assure me that God loved me.
Something that, after my decades of bible studies and church attendance and
moments of God speaking to me, I hadn’t fully grasped because of the common interpretation that being gay was wrong. As if the love of God, the most powerful truth/presence/reality
of our lives, could be deterred by such a material/temporary/insignificant
thing as one’s sexuality. As if a thought in our minds could make God change
His mind about how He felt about us.
This conversation with my friend was a turning point for me.
It is an amazing feeling when you finally realize that God loves you, that you
are worthy of being called His beloved creation, as all of us are. It was one
of the best days of my life.
One more significant example of God's love for me was when I came out on Facebook a month ago. I have never received so many loving, wonderful, kind messages in my life. There was so much love on my Facebook page, in my email inbox, people who ran up to me in parking lots after meetings and events, people telling me, "You know, you are awesome and I am proud of you," people pouring so much love into my life. And if love is from God, as we know it is, then He was so present there when I came out. I am still just amazed by the amount of love I witnessed and experienced.
We are all here trying our best, trying to do what is right.
And no matter where we are on the path of our lives, God loves us because that
is His nature. God is Love. I hope that now that I realize that, I will never
forget it. I hope I keep that close, as my identity as a beloved child of God.
