Lift your head up - What Vinnie taught me while he was wearing The Cone of Shame

                Right now, Vinnie and I are in the middle of a dog-sitting assignment. He accompanies me on all my dog-sitting gigs; he has a wonderful time playing with the dogs, checking out all their toys, and exploring their yard.

                Sometime during this current gig, Vinnie came in from the backyard with some blood lining the perimeter of his right eye. After some examining (and a subsequent trip to the vet the next morning), I found out there were 3 different cuts along his eyelid. Not huge cuts, but something that I needed to deal with. We left the vet with some disinfectant and, you guessed it, The Cone of Shame so Vinnie wouldn’t scratch it as he was healing. (For the reference, see one of the greatest, cutest, cleverest movies ever created). 

                I realized that I needed to take some practical steps with his injury. I needed to clean it every day, and make sure he was wearing his cone as much as possible, and reduce the amount of time he roughhoused with the other dogs. (Not only for his protection, but have you ever tried to wrestle someone who is wearing a cone? Ouch.)

                But along with the practical steps, I needed to take some spiritual steps. I needed to pray for the little guy. I needed to show him love and tenderness, as Jesus showed the people that he came into contact with. I needed to see Vinnie as God’s creation, as a beautiful creature who expressed God-like qualities such as affection, love, protectiveness towards me, curiosity, energy, zest for life, tenderness, crazy-puppy-like behavior (okay, that’s not really a God-like quality, but it’s still pretty endearing…). And I needed to realize that Vinnie isn’t my dog; he’s God’s dog. Even when I can’t protect him, I know that God can and will. I needed to remind myself of this, and see that everything is in God’s control.

                One of the messages that became so clear to me came from a simple line that I’ve repeatedly told Vinnie over the past week: “Lift your head up.” As he walks around with this cone, he is continually knocking the bottom of it against stairs, the floor, furniture, and whatever else happens to be lying around that Vinnie feels compelled to climb over. And each time he knocks the cone into something, the edge that is against his neck jabs into him, jolting him out of the intense focus that he seems to have on his desired destination. After a couple of collisions, the poor guy just stops where he is, sits down, and looks at me with a pathetic gaze. I can see the frustration in his face; he just wants to climb up the stairs and join the other 2 dogs on the deck! Is that too much to ask? At these times, I find myself saying, “Vinnie, lift your head up, bud. Lift the cone up.” That’s all it would take, just a slight inclination of his neck to bring the cone up far enough to clear any object he wants to overtake. If he’s having a particularly hard time, I will go over to him and gently lift the cone up myself, grabbing the top rim and tilting it up just enough, while pulling him slightly forward so he gets the idea that it is now safe to move ahead.

            After a couple days of helping him, I can see that Vinnie is making progress. He walks a little more carefully now, with a little more caution and calculation concerning his surroundings. He doesn’t want to get jolted backwards or stopped suddenly, just because he was a little overzealous or a little too eager to get to the food dish. When he moves slowly, he’s definitely not like the usual Crazy Vinnie who tears through the house. He just wants to be sure that his forward path is clear before making any sudden moves. But an amazing thing happens: when he lifts his head up, he knows that he can go quickly again. He can run down the hall, tail wagging, knowing that just by looking up, he will be safe and can move freely. When he tilts his neck upwards, he can practically fly, soar, crash into walls… just like what is typical for Crazy Vinnie. It’s amazing to see Vinnie figure this out, and act like “Vinnie.”

                I feel like I’ve had a similar experience lately. A few months ago, this past winter, I was having a hard time moving forward; emotionally, mentally, even maybe a little physically. I just felt that there were so many issues and so many problems, and each time I would try to overcome them or try to find a solution, I would hit a stumbling block. I got jolted backwards, I fell down, I couldn’t get up again… and if I tried and succeeded in getting up for half a minute, I would just fall down again, much harder than before. But even with all of these falls, each time I tried to stand up, I really just wanted to run. I wanted to reach as high as I could and stretch out my hand as far as it would go… Not just settle for feeling “all right,” but feel totally back on my feet again and totally stable, totally full of the life that I knew was inside me, feel the rainbows-and-balloons sensation of total joy. But I just couldn’t get there.

As I kept falling, again and again, I had so many people in my life who showed me so much love. Some people could see that I was falling, and others had no idea but were loving nonetheless, just because they love continually and unconditionally as part of their nature. And each expression of love that I experienced touched my heart. I didn’t know what was happening with me and I felt like I was in a scary place, but quite frequently there would be an instant, a moment, that was so full of love, and this was such a support to me. It was definitely the silver lining.

                After 6 weeks of this up-and-down rising-and-falling nonsense, I decided that I was going to take it slowly. I decided that I wasn’t going to hit the ground running. It only took Vinnie about 2 days what it took me 6 weeks to learn! (It’s okay… I don’t mind if Vinnie shows me up from time to time.) Like Vinnie, I was just going to take it easy, and make sure there wasn’t anything in my way before I started running. This was my philosophy behind it: When you’re struggling and not at your optimal performance level, why run straight at a hurdle that you’re not sure you can clear? If you’re feeling great, feeling ready, then go for it. But if you’ve fallen down a dozen times recently, start with smaller hurdles. Go slowly, practice, breathe… and then, when you know you’re ready, take on that big hurdle!

So I went slowly, and didn’t try any large hurdles… just the small ones that I was confident I could do. During this time, which was over several months, I discovered that there were still some things I needed to figure out. I wasn’t falling down like before, but I was still bumping into things. I didn’t feel like I was able to move freely, and I didn’t feel like “Katie Brotten.” I just felt like a toned-down, less energetic, less “Katie” version of myself. And then one day, I fell down again pretty hard. It was like before, when I had tried to move too quickly and wasn’t ready… Except this time I had been moving so slowly, and still fell down! I was immediately jolted out of the slow, ambling pace that I had been keeping for a number of months. I thought that by moving slowly, I would be safe, but that was not the case. I didn’t know what happened, or how to help myself out of it. I was scared.

It was time to make a change. Like Vinnie, I needed to lift my head up if I was going to clear the obstacles in my path. I just wouldn’t be able to move forward without doing so. It is one thing to move carefully and cautiously, but if your head is still down, you are going to bump into things no matter how slowly you move. And to really be able to take on life at the speed I wanted to, I was going to need to look up.

At this time, a good friend did something for me, which, while on a much larger scale, had some similarities to what I did for Vinnie. Similar to how I tilted the rim of his cone so that he could maneuver the path and move forward safely, this friend gave me a hand when I most desperately needed it. Like Vinnie, I was struggling with the most basic steps forward. I just wanted to stop there, in the middle of the hallway, and just be done. Not play with the other dogs, not go and get a toy, not go explore the backyard; just be done. In addition to meeting me where I was, where I had fallen, to give me a gentle lift to my feet, she also helped me see the different options that I could take and prompted me to move forward on my own path. And above all, she reminded me where the true source of everything good is; she helped me lift my thought to God. I was reminded that there is so much more when we just look up. We do not have to be stuck in one spot, to forever bump up against obstacles and become immobilized by the “cones” that we wear, whether we choose to wear them or they are placed upon us in one way or another. There is indeed a way to move forward, many ways, and if we try a path and it doesn’t work, we must move on to the next one. And the whole time, we can lift our gaze and our thoughts and our energy upward… This is essential in moving forward.

Vinnie gets his cone off in a couple of days, and he’ll be back to the wild and crazy kid I love; unobstructed and unfettered by anything that would dare to stand in his way. And I’m taking my cone off too; it doesn’t suit me. But, regardless of the tough times spent stumbling and falling, I have such an immense feeling of gratitude. It’s astounding to me how much gratitude I have felt during this time, the toughest time I have ever experienced in my life. I am grateful for the opportunity to learn from these experiences, and to learn more about myself and about God. I am grateful for the love that was so overpowering and so present in those times, the love from God, from friends, from family. And I’m so grateful for every kind word, smile, expression of love, and for every person who reached down and lifted my cone up a bit, helped me to keep my eyes on God as I continue to move forward.